Most viewed jokes

What happened to the witch with an upside down nose?
→ Every time she sneezed her hat blew off.

How do sheep keep warm in winter?
→ Central bleating!

During my stay at an expensive hotel in New York City, I woke up in the middle of the night with an upset stomach. I called room service and ordered some soda crackers.
When I looked at the charge slip, I was furious. I called room service and raged:

- I know I'm in a luxury hotel, but $11.50 for six crackers is ridiculous!

- The crackers are complimentary - the voice to the other end cooly explained.

- I believe you are complaining about your room number.

Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

- I'm sorry sir - the first trooper told the driver - but I am still going to have to write you a ticket.

Amazed, the driver asked for what.

The trooper replied:

- Tacks evasion.

Rules that guys wished girls knew...

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like ever other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not a sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and your dad's way past idiot.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes - what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
21. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil.
26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz in Cosmo together.
29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - but not both.
35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
38. Consider golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty, and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
41. Anyone can buy condoms.

It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender:

- Do you serve lawyers here?

- Sure do, - replied the bartender.

- Good, - said the man.

- Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator.

In a cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow - one person was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.

If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator ----It would be a good idea to just leave them there.

Legal Business Card: Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe Attorneys at Law

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. ... Benjamin Franklin.

An anxious woman goes to her doctor.

- Doctor, - she asks nervously - can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?

- Certainly, - replies the doctor - Where do you think lawyers come from?

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
→ A good start!

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
→ His lips are moving.

What's the difference between a dead dog lying on the road and a dead lawyer on the road?
→ There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
→ Professional courtesy.

What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
→ Not enough sand.

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
→ Cut the rope.

Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
→ Take your foot off his head?
→ No.

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

- The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.

He continued:

- Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:

- How much for a season pass?

What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?
→ A licker cabinet.

What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
→ A Klondyke.

What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
→ Militia Etheridge.

Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
→ Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

Why do lesbians like to be reincarnated as whales?
→ So they can have 10 foot tongues and breathe out of the tops of their heads.

What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe?
→ Fur Traders.

What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
→ A Lickalotapuss.

What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
→ Well Hung.

What do two lesbians do when they are having their periods?
→ Fingerpaint.

What do lesbians call an open can of tuna?
→ POTPOURRI.

What did the lesbian vampire say to her partner?
→ See you next month.

Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres drowned?
→ She was found face down in Ricki Lake.

How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
→ Even the pool table doesn't have balls.

Do you know what drag is?
→ It's when a man wears everything a lesbian won't.

What do you call lesbian twins?
→ Lick-a-likes.

How can you tell if a lesbian is butch?
→ She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.

What's the definition of confusion?
→ Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

What's the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian?
→ One's a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker!

Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River, to be exact. On one side of the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear. One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfest of berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit.

- Hey! Hey, Teddy, get your butt over here. I've got something to show you!

- Not now! I'm eating.

- Oh come on! It's really important.

- No way.

- Please. It's urgent.

So the bear decided to go all the way over the wide river. It took him all day and all night to get over to the other side. He nearly drowned. And when he finally got there he was groaning and panting, and wheezing for air.

- Well, rabbit, what did you want to tell me?

- Hey, Teddy, look how many berries are on the other side of the river.

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks:

- Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?

The mother replies:

- Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand.

- OK - said the son.

A few minutes later the son asks:

- Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?

- They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert.

- Thanks Mom - replies the son.

After a short while, the son returns and asks:

- Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??

The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies:

- They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods.

- That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water. But Mom

- Yes son?

- Why the heck are we in the San Diego Zoo?