Most viewed jokes

What kind of apple has a short temper?
→ A crab apple.

A couple decided that the only way to have a quickie while their ten-year-old son was in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and let him give a running report on what was going on in the neighbourhood. So the boy stood on the balcony and reported on everything that was happening. "A police car has just called at the Hamiltons' house, the Chandlers are taking delivery of a new wardrobe, and the Mitchell's are having sex." Hearing this, the boy's parents shot bolt upright. "How do you know the Mitchells are having sex?" "Because their kid is standing on the balcony too."

- Do you want some help using the Internet, son?

- No thanks, Dad, I can muck it up all by myself.

A blonde, a redhead and a brunette all jump off a cliff. Which one hit the bottom first?
→ Not the blonde, she needed directions!

The head nun at the convent says:

- I found a pair of men's underwear under my desk!

Twenty nuns gasp, but one nun goes:

- Heh, heh, heh...

She says:

- And I found a used condom on my desk!

Twenty nuns gasp, but one nun goes:

- Heh, heh, heh...

She says:

- And there was a huge tear in the condom!

One nun gasps, but twenty nuns go:

- Heh, heh, heh.

This suave-looking Redneck, (ok, just pretend there is one) walks into a bar and sees a cute little rich girl who's had too much to drink.

He says to her:

- Hey, baby...whataya say we go back to your place and get it on!

Lost in her drink, she replies:

- Sure, why not!

They get to her place, and she lies on the bed and says:

- Ok, show me what you do best!.

Without delay, the Redneck rips off his jacket, grabs her T.V., VCR, and purse and runs out the door!

Her

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

Him

6:45 Alarm.
7:00 Shower and massage.
7:30 Blowjob.
7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
12:30 Blowjob.
12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).
9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave.
Midnight Blowjob. Sleep

- How do you make a pig float?

- Just give him an inner tube.

The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch.

Someone dialed 911.

When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.

- It was enough to make anybody faint - he said.

- My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower.

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child.

After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.

The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.

In very tiny letters, the stamp said:

- When you can read this, come back and see me.