Most viewed jokes

Perfume For His Wife

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

- How about some perfume? - he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.

- That's a bit much - said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.

- That's still quite a bit - Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.

- What I mean - said Tim - is I'd like to see something really cheap.

The clerk handed him a mirror.

The Colonel and the Camel

It's Colonel Smith's first day at a new base in Saudi Arabia, and the company clerk is showing him around the camp. They tour the entire base and the clerk shows him around and points out every building of interest. At the end of the tour, the Colonel says:

- What about that little stable over there? What's that for?

- Well - says the clerk, and looks at the ground in embarassment:

- you may have noticed there aren't any women on the base. You see, we keep a camel in that there stable, so that when the men get their urges they can --

The Colonel holds up his hand, shakes his head and cuts off the clerk midsentence:

- PLEASE! Say no more. I get the point.

Well, as you can imagine, after a few weeks on the base the Colonel too felt the need for a woman, and so he found himself at the clerk's desk one Saturday afternoon.

- Tell me, is the camel free this afternoon - the Colonel said in a whisper, looking over his shoulder to be sure no one else could hear.

The clerk checks his appointment book and nods in the affirmative:

- How about I schedule you in for 2:00?

The Colonel nods and walks away. At 2:00 he makes his way to the stable, walks in, and gently closes the door behind him. He finds a small stepping stool nearby, moves it behind the camel, and climbs onto it. Then he lowers his trousers, and begins, well, making love to the camel.

Just as he's nearing his peak, the door opens suddenly and the Colonel spins around in shock and embarrassment to see the clerk standing there with a big grin on his face. As the Colonel begins to yell for him to leave, the clerk interrupts him with a quizzical look on his face.

- Begging your pardon, sir, but wouldn't it have been simpler for you to just ride the camel into town to find a woman, like the other men do?

Three Shots of Whiskey

A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, then left. This continued daily for several weeks. Curious, the bartender asked him one day:

- Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?

The man answered:

- Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to order the three shots in their honor.

The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man every time he visited the bar.

Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey. Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when had had always been ordering three.

The man answered:

- Oh, I've decided to stop drinking.

Grilling Remarks

A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. So the man says to his wife:

- Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill!

She ignores the remark.

Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds:

- If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken.

An Hour of Pleasure

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality:

- We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation - she said - ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said:

- Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?

Quattro Means Four

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

The Italian customer agent stops them and tells them:

- Itsa illegal to putta fiva people ina Quattro.

- What do you mean it's illegal? - asked the Englishmen.

- Quattro means four - replies the Italian official.

- Quattro is just the name of the automobile - the Englishmen says disbelievingly.

- Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons.

- You can'ta pulla thata one ona me - replies the Italian customs agent.

- Quattro means four. You hava fiva people ina your car and you are therefore breakin'a the law.

The Englishmen reply angrily:

- You idiot! Call your supervisor over. We want to speak to someone with more intelligence!

- Sorry - responds the Italian official.

- he can'ta come.

- He's a busy with two guys in a Uno.