Most viewed jokes

A weather intern walks into a bar and asks for a Cold Draft. Suddenly the bar door swings open and gusty cool air fills up the bar. After drinking his Draft things seem to get back to normal. The guy then orders a Thunderclap on ice.
Suddenly the roof gets pelted with hail stones and an intense lightning flash and thunderous explosion rock the bar. After drinking his Thunderclap things seem to once again get back to normal. Feeling rather good at this point he asks for a third drink - ordering a Tornado on the rocks.
This time the bar is not only pelted with even larger hail stones but ferocious winds rip the door off its hinges, shake the bar violently and break every window. Feeling extra good and cocky at this point he then orders an extra large and extra strong Hurricane.
The bartender after this request looks up at the guy perplexed and says:

- Sorry fella, we have no Hurricanes in Kansas.

A lone tourist who is passing through the suburbs on the way to town by car, unfortunately experiences mechanical problems with the automobile. The car stalls and the tourist parks the car by the side of the road and waits for help.

Not much later, a farmer happens to pass by with a truck full of farm animals. The farmer offers the tourist a lift to town and proceeds to explain that he is bringing his farm animals to the town market, where they will be auctioned off to the highest bidders.

Well, it so happens that on the way to the town, the farmer being so engrossed in his story, unintentionally wanders into the other side of road where another vehicle is approaching in the other direction.

The farmer realizes his absent mindness and attempts to avoid the possible collision with the other vehicle. He just misses the other car, but unfortunately crashes the truck into the side of the road. The tourist winds up thrown into a ditch and suffers broken ribs and a broken arm and leg and is obviously in extreme pain. The farm animals are all messed up very badly and the farmer, although remaining inside the vehicle, still suffers cuts and scrapes.

The farmer gets out of the truck and looks at his farm animals.

The chickens all have broken limbs and can barely move.

- These chickens are all useless! Nobody will want to buy these chickens anymore! - bellows the farmer.

With that, he grabs and loads his shotgun and blows away the chickens.

Next, he sees the pigs and they are all lame and bleeding profusely.

- These pigs are all worthless now! I'll get nothing for them! - yells the farmer.

With great rage, the farmer reloads his shotgun and blows away the pigs.

The farmer looks at the sheep and they all have broken limbs and their wool is all bloodied.

- Worthless sheep! - screams the farmer and with that, he reloads his shotgun and blows away the sheep.

Meanwhile, the injured tourist witnesses all of this carnage in great horror.

The farmer then moves over to the side of the ditch and looks at the tourist.

- Are you okay down there? - asked the farmer.

- NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!! - the tourist yelled back.

- Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a computer.

- My goodness, you'd better come to my surgery right away!

- I can't, my power cable won't reach that far.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
→ She starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Abbey

- Abbey who?

- Abbey stung me on the nose!

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.

The teenager tells her:

- Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!

and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.

She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.

- Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets.

A guy comes into a bar and asks the barman for twelve-year-old scotch. The barman thinks "This guy is pretty pretentious" and proceeds to pour him a drink of six-year-old scotch. He gives it to the customer who takes a drink, exclaiming:

- This isn't twelve-year-old scotch, this is six-year-old scotch

The barman thinks, hey this guy knows what he's talking about, and the two of them get into a conversation about where the customer is from etc.. At one point an old guy, who was sitting at the other end of the bar comes over with a glass and hands it to the customer. The latter takes a drink, and spits it out.

- This is piss! - he yells.

The old guy nods and says:

- Yeah, but how old am I?

The boss at the pub went up to the bartender and asked:

- Have you been fooling around with the waitress?!

- Oh no, sir, I sure haven't, - replied the bartender.

The boss replied:

- Good, in that case then, YOU fire her!

- Doctor - the embarrassed man said.

- I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

- Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. The medic said:

- Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas.

- Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on.

The doctor took the husband aside. - You're in perfect health - he said.

- Your wife didn't give me an erection either.

Yo mama house so small you have to go outside to change your mind.