Most viewed jokes

- How did you find the weather at camp?

- It was easy. I just went outside - and there it was!

- Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!

- No sir, that's a cockroach, the fly is on your steak.

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself:

- This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him:

- Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?

- Ma'am - the officer replies.

- You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.

- Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour! - the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that:

- 22 was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

- But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time - the officer asks.

- Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 142.

What do bees do if they want to use public transport ?
→ Wait at a buzz stop !

What is a more macho man?
→ At the critical moment when he can't get it up, he asks the woman:

- Does this happen to you often?

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady.

For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest... and on, and on.

One afternoon an orderly entered the room:

- Time to take your temperature, General.

After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer.

- Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end.

A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for.

The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general:

- Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you - and withdrew.

An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped:

- What's going on here?

- Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken? - the general barked.

- Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?

Guy walks into a bar, sits downs and starts to make conversation with guy at next table.

- Want to hear the worlds's worst Polish Joke? - #2 says.

- Sure, but before you tell it, let me tell you something. See those two bikers over there by the door-real mean motherfuckers-??? They're Polish. And those two bouncers by the bar? They're Polish too! The Bartender?? Polish!! And one more thing pal, I'm Polish too!!! Now..... still want to tell that joke?

- Hell no! - replies #1.

- I don't want to have to explain it 6 times!

A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it.

Inside was a genie. The genie said:

- I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only.

The man thought about his first wish and decided:

- I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account.

POOF! Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color. POOF! There was the car sitting in front of him. He asked for his final wish:

- I wish I was irresistible to women.

POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.

Shortly after the birth of their second child, her husband offered to take her shopping for a new dress. He endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints about which figure flaw each dress accentuated. As she emerged from the dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her husband's opinion. By this time, he had learned just the right things to say.

- It's perfect! - he exclaimed.

- It makes your waist look smaller, your legs look longer and slenderizes your hips.

Just then, a voice from the dressing room piped up:

- If there's a dress here that will do all that- I'll take ten!

Why are women such bad drivers?
→ Because there is no road between the bedroom and the bathroom.