Most viewed jokes

What is cosmetics?
→ Cosmetics is a woman's means for keeping a man from reading between the lines.

Four married guys go golfing on Sunday.
During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:

- First Guy: Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.

- Second Guy: That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.

- Third Guy: Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him:

- You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?

- Fourth Guy: I don't want to talk about it. Let's just say that the foundation for the new house is being poured next Tuesday.

A lady had a height problem - she was TOO tall, being excatly 2 meters tall. She hated the way she had to duck to walk through a doorway, the way she felt so uncomfortable in a car... So she visited an expert. The expert said:

- Go visit the Dwarven Town. It's full of dwarfs. Find any dwarf, and ask him if he'll marry you. Every time a dwarf says 'no,' you grow 10 cm shorter!

The lady did as she was told. She went to the Dwarven Town, and found a dwarf, and asked if he would marry her. He refused. She found herself 10 cm shorter. She quickly repeated this act another time on another dwarf. Now 180 cm tall, she decided to ask one more dwarf then go home. She boldly walked up to a dwarf and asked if he would marry her. The dwarf replied:

- No, no, no, no, no...! I don't want to marry a tall person like you! You're too tall! No, no, no, no, no!

What do you call an unemployed jester?
→ Nobody's fool.

Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.

Why politicians don't enjoy the game of golf -- Because for them, it's too much like their work -- you know, being trapped in one bad lie after another.

Feminist's lament: "I think, therefore I am single."

Sign on the door of the maternity ward at the hospital: "Push ... Push ... Push!"

Sign in a podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."

Sign on a parking space at a garden nursery: "Reserved for plant manager."

Sign on a door to a psychiatric ward: "Please do not disturb further."

Sign in a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Elbonics: Two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.

If a tree falls in a forest, and hits a mime, does anybody say anything about it?

Never face facts; if you do, you'll never get up in the morning.

Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it.

What do you say to a Buddhist hot dog vendor?
→ Make me one with everything.

What kind of rocks are on the bottom of the Mississippi River?
→ WET rocks.

Many of us would be delighted to pay as we go if we could only catch up from paying as we've already gone.

Personals Ad: "Financially Unstable Man - I owe everyone money. If you're not one of my creditor, I'd like to meet you. Send phone, mine was repossessed. Stanley, Box 99."

Personals Ad: "Physician, 35 - Desires to meet that special woman with real inner beauty. Send X- rays to: Dr. Mellonchop, BOX 67."

Sign in a cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria." (Then, in pencil beneath the sign): "Socks can eat anyplace they want."

Sign in a restaurant window: "T-bone: 99 Cents." (Then, in fine print underneath: "With meat: $14.95").

A hardware store has a sign that reads: "Today's special." (Then, below it, in pencil): "So's tomorrow."

Sign in an Austrian hotel catering to mountain climbers: "Not to perambulate the corridors during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension."

Chinese proverb: "If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children drum."

How can there be self-help "groups"?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?

If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?

When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be Thrown away?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver.

- Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?

The woman replied:

- Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied:

- Ma'am... that's your air freshener!

1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, 'May I borrow a highlighter?'
2. Say, 'Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that.'
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, 'Damn, this water's cold.'
5. Drop a marble and say, 'Oh shit! My glass eye!'
6. Say, 'Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.'
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, 'Now how did that get there?'
9. Say, 'Humus. Reminds me of humus.'
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, 'Whoa! Easy boy!'
11. Say, 'Interesting.. more floaters than sinkers.'
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, 'Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?'
13. Say, 'C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me.'
14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.
15. Say, 'Boy, that sure looks like a maggot.'
16. Say, 'Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?'
17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your 'Cross-Dressers Anonymous' newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, 'Peek-a-boo!'
20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing 'Born Free'.

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks:

- Is your date running late?

- No, - he replies.

- I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.

The intrigued woman says:

- A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?

- It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me, - he explains.

- What's it telling you now? - she asked.

- Well, it says you're not wearing any panties. - he said.

The woman giggles and replies:

- Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!

The man explains:

- Damn thing must be an hour fast.

A man sat quietly reading his morning paper one Sunday morning. Suddenly, he is knocked almost senseless by his wife, who stands behind him holding a frying pan in hand.

- Man: What was that for?

- Wife: Why do you have a piece of paper in your pocket with "Daisy" written on it?

- Man: Oh honey, don't you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of the horse I bet on.

The wife was satisfied, and appologized for bonking him.

Three days later he is again sitting reading the paper when once again he is bonked on the head.

- Man: What's that for this time?

- Wife: Your horse called.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by up to 90%.
→ It's called wedding cake.

One day Bill Clinton was walking down the beach when he found a genie lamp. He rubbed it and a genie came out. He said to Bill:

- You have one wish.

Bill Clinton cried:

- But I thought you were supposed to have three wishes!

- Well you are the most powerful man in the world so I only allow one for you - replied the Genie.

Bill Clinton thought hard and said:

- Bring peace to the middle east.

He took out a map to show the Genie.

The genie said:

- Nope. Can't do that choose another wish.

This next wish came up right away.

- I want the WHOLE world to love Monica Lewinsky as much as I do

The Genie stared at him with a raised an eyebrow. The Genie replied quickly:

- Um...can I take a look at that map again?