Most viewed jokes

Did you hear about the witch who turned her friend into an egg?
→ She kept trying to poach her ideas.

What did the doctor say to the witch in hospital?
→ With any luck you'll be able to get up for a spell.

- Hey, what's the weather like out there?

- I don't know. I'll tell you when it clears.

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying:

- T-G-I-F (letters only).

He smiled at her and replied:

- S-H-I-T (letters only).

She looked at him, puzzled, and said:

- T-G-I-F again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering:

- S-H-I-T.

The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly:

- T-G-I-F another time.

The man smiled:

- S-H-I-T.

The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said:

- T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?

The man answered:

- Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Three Nuns died and were up at outside the gates of Heaven. St. Peter was there with them. St. Peter decided he needed to quiz each nun with a different question to see if they really desereved to go to Heaven.

St. Peter asked the first nun:

- Nun, Who was the first man on earth?

She replied:

- That would be Adam.

St. Peter let her through the gates.

St. Peter walked up to the second nun and asked her:

- Nun, Who was the first woman on earth?

She replied:

- That would be Eve.

St. Peter let her through the gates.

St. Peter walked up to the third nun and asked her:

- What was the last thing that Eve told Adam before they left Paradise?

The nun was puzzled. She thought about it for a long time.

- HHHHMMMM - she said aloud - Thats a hard one.

St. Peter let her through the gates.

Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!!! It scared me (I'm a man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!

WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to run some errands. The proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of doing, but the baby wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried that he decided to take the infant to the doctor.

After the doctor listened to the father relate all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full. The Dr. said:

- Here's the problem.

- He needs to be changed!

The father was very perplexed:

- But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!

At 85 years of age, a somewhat senile Morris marries Luanne, a lovely 25-year-old.

Because her new husband is so old, Luanne decides that on their wedding night, she and Morris should have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities, Luanne prepares herself for bed, and for the expected "knock" on the door.

Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of Luanne, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Luanne hears another knock on her bedroom door. It's Morris! And he's again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Luanne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses Luanne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves. Luanne is set to go to sleep again.

However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her door, and there he is again... Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for a bit more action. And again they enjoy one another.

As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him:

- I am thoroughly impressed that at your age, honey, you have enough juice to go at it three times. I've been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once. You're a great lover, Morris!

Morris, looking somewhat befuddled, turns to Luanne and says:

- WHAT?... You mean I was here already?!

Yo mama's so fat when she takes a bath she fills the tub then turns on the water.