- I'll tell you - he said:
- I've learned that arthritis is the cruellest disease.
- Crueller than cancer? - his friend asked.
- You bet - the first codger replied:
- It makes every single one of your joints stiff, except the right one.
A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her:
- Now, do you remember what the plan is?
The blonde sighed and replied:
- Yeah, yeah, I remember...
The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff. Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out:
- Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!
The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled:
- Stop! Stop!
while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind.
The brunette frantically asked the blonde:
- What the hell happened in there?!?
The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out:
- What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!
The brunette paused and yelled:
- YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!
Five year old Johnny and his little sister are peeping through a keyhole at their parents making love: "Wow, look at them! And we are not allowed even to stick a finger in our nose!"
What does a short sighted gynecologist and a dog have in common?
→ They both have wet noses!
- Wife: Who was that on the phone?
- Husband: Wrong number. Some guy thought this was the weather bureau.
- Wife: What did he say?
- Husband: He asked if the coast was clear...
A man walked into a pub with an Ostrich and a Pussy Cat. He walked up the the bar and said:
- Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat.
They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks.
Next it was the ostrichs round. He walked up to the bar and said:
- Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat.
He took the drinks back to the table and they drank them.
When it was the Cat's turn to buy, he told them to "Fuck off!"
So the man went back to the bar and said:
- Beer for me, beer for the ostrich and whisky for the cat.
The Barman was curious about this and said:
- I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn't. Why is this?
The man replied:
- I helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish.
- What did you wish for? - said the Barman.
"I wished for a long legged bird with a tight pussy!"
But this isn't an engagement ring. - the young lady protested.
- Why it's just a tiny unset diamond.
Yeah! I know. - said the fellow.
- And, it'll be mounted in a cluster around a big one, the very day after you are.
Yo mama's so fat, when she was in school she sat next to everybody!
Yo mama so old that when she was in school there was no history class.
