Most viewed jokes

A man from the city is out plowing his field and gets his tractor stuck in the wet ground.

A farmer driving by stops his truck and walks to the fence to call over the city feller. You need a mule to plow such wet ground he says.

- Where can I buy one? - he is asked.

Well, I just happened to have one for 100 dollars he says.

- I'll take him - says the other man as he counts out the money.

I can't bring him over today. I don't work on Sunday morrow OK?

- Sure.

The next day the truck pulls up and the old farmer gets out. He says:

- sorry, bad news.

I went out after breakfeast and the mule was dead.

The city feller says just give me my money back then.

- Can't, spent it already!

- Well... unload the mule then.

- What ya gonna do with him?

- Raffle him off!

- Naw, ya cant raffle off a dead mule!

- Just watch me us! City fellers know a few tricks.

One month goes by and the city feller and farmer run into each other at the barber shop.

- What did ya do with that dead mule?

- Raffled him off, sold 100 tickets at two dollars each and made 98 dollars profit.

- Didn't anyone complain?

- Just one guy so I gave him his two dollars back!

A pilot and a co-pilot were descending for a landing at an airport they had never been to before. The pilot looked out the windshield, and suddenly exclaimed to the co-pilot:

- Holy cow! Look how short the runway is! I've never seen one that short!

The co-pilot looked out the windshield.

- Wow! you're right! That's incredible! Are you sure we can make it?

- Well we better, we're almost out of fuel.

So the captain got on the intercom, and notified the passengers to put their heads between their knees, and prepare for an emergency landing.
Then he set the flaps to full down, and slowed the plane to just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control. The pilot's hands were sweating, the co-pilot was praying.

They touched down, and came screeching to a halt just before the edge of the runway, the tires smoking.

- HEW! That was CLOSE! - yelled the captain.

- That runway was SHORT!

- Yeah! - said the co-pilot.

- and WIDE too!

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.

The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside:

- You skin this one while I go and get another!

How can you tell when a Jewish girl has an orgasm?
→ She drops her nail file.

An old lady was knitting as she was driving down the highway. A police officer drove alongside her car and yelled:

- Pull over!

The lady yelled back:

- No - mittens!

On a first date, a guy escorts a girl home and asks:

- Guy: Can I come up for a cup of coffee?

- Girl: Actually, I never invite guys over on a first date.

The guy thinks for a minute and says: Well, what about the last date?

Yo mama so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!

Yo mama so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!

- Teacher: What did the Indians bring to the first Thanksgiving?

- Student: Baseballs.

- Teacher: Baseballs?

- Student: Yeah, they were Cleveland Indians!

Bob is sitting on the ice all day fishing with no luck, not even a nibble. Cold and tired he is about to leave, when a guy walks up cuts a hole in the ice beside him, and starts pulling out fish as fast a he can drop his hook in the water.
Bob can't believe it, he yells over:

- whats your secret?

- woogatkakeptewrwm - he answers back.

- what did you say? - replies Bob.

The man spits a large ball of worms on the ice and says to Bob:

- you have to keep your worms warm.