Most viewed jokes

How does a man know when his wife is losing interest?
→ When her favorite sexual position is "next door"

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

- Well - he said.

- I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that.

- Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack.

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.

He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over and says:

- You never told me that you were such a religious person.

He leans over to her and says:

- You never told me that your father is a pharmacist!

Do you know why the Texas Aggies use artificial turf in their football stadium?
→ It helps stop their cheerleaders from grazing!

There were three men: an Englishman, a Scotsman, and a Chinese guy. They were having a competition to see which one could walk his dog over the desert without needing a drink.

So the Englishman sets off, but he only gets half way.

Then the Scotsman sets off, and he only gets half way too.

But the Chinise guy manages to get all the way across the desert.

The Englishman and the Scottsman asked him how he could possibly do that without any water?

- Me Chinese. Me not Silly, Me stick mouth round doggy's willy

- Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money.

Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.

- Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

- Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it.

Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.

- Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

- The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

- Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.

- First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.

- Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.

- Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.

- Kenny's Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.

- Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one.

Corollary - If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway.

- The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.

- Yeager's Law: Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle.

Corollary: All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off.

- Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.

- Quile's Consultation Law: The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.

- Loftus' Law: Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even which book it is.

- Lovka's Dilemma: You never get away, you only get someplace else.

Yo Mamas teeth are so yellow
I can't believe it's not butter.

Yo Momma is so ugly that she scares blind people!!!!

A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist.

- Doctor, you must help me - she pleaded.

- It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him.

And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.

- I see - nodded the psychiatrist.

- And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter.

- For God's sake, NO! - exclaimed the woman.

- I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward.

A FRIEND OF MINE HAS AN 18 YEAR OLD SON NAMED LEROY. HE ATTENDS OAKLAND HIGH SCHOOL WHERE THEY TEACH EBONICS AS A SECOND LANGUAGE. LAST WEEK HE WAS GIVEN AN EASY HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT. ALL HE HAD TO DO WAS PUT EACH OF THE FOLLOWING WORDS IN A SENTENCE. THIS IS WHAT LEROY DID.

1. RECTUM: I HAD TWO CADILLACS, BUT MY OL'LADY RECTUM BOTH.
2. HOTEL: I GAVE MY GIRLFRIEND DA CRABS AND THE HOTEL EVERYBODY.
3. ODYSSEY: I TOLD MY BRO, YOU ODYSSEY THE JUGS ON THIS HOE.
4. STAIN: MY MOTHER-IN-LAW AXED IF I WAS STAIN FOR DINNER AGAIN.
5. SELDOM: MY COUSIN GAVE ME TWO TICKETS TO THE KNICKS GAME, SO I SELDOM.
6. PENIS: I WENT TO DA DOCTOR AND HE HANDED ME A CUP AND SAID PENIS.
7. CATACOMB: DON KING WAS AT THE FIGHT THE OTHER NIGHT, MAN, SOMEBODY GIVE THAT CATACOMB.
8. FORCLOSE: IF I PAY ALIMONY THIS MONTH, I'LL HAVE NO MONEY FORCLOSE.
9. UNDERMINE: THERE IS A FINE LOOKIN' HOE LIVIN' IN THE APARTMENT UNDERMINE.
10. TRIPOLI: I WAS GONNA BUY MY OLD LADY A BRA BUT I COULDN'T FINE NO TRIPOLI.
11. DISAPPOINTMENT: MY PAROLE OFFICER TOL ME IF I MISS DISAPPOINTMENT THEY GONNA SEND ME BACK TO THE BIG HOUSE.
12. INCOME: I JUST GOT IN BED WIT DEE HOE AND INCOME MY WIFE.
13. HONOR: AT THE RAPE TRIAL, THE JUDGE AXED MY BUDDY, WHO B HONOR FIRST?
14. FORTIFY: I AXED DA HOE HOW MUCH? AND SHE SAY FORTIFY.
15. ISRAEL: ALONSO TRIED TO SELL ME A ROLEX, I SAID MAN, THAT LOOKS FAKE. HE SAID, NO ISRAEL.

NEEDLESS TO SAY, LEROY GOT AN A.

Did you hear about the Polak who studied for 5 days?
→ He was scheduled to take a urine test.