Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
One day a wife complained:
- This wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch.
The husband grunted and replied:
- The darn clock always was slow.
Why did Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley split up?
→ He wanted children and she didn't want to get a sex change.
Why did God create man first?
→ So he wouldn't have to be told how to do it.
A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.
He asks:
- Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?
But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.
When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.
He says:
- Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads.
This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell. The other farmer says:
- Yeah, I've this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem.
Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but, farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy and takes the rooster home. He then sets him down in the barnyard and gives the rooster a pep talk:
- Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun - the farmer ended with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot. WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there. Later, the farmer sees Randy after the flock of geese down by the lake. Once again, WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught -- worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob -- stone cold in the middle of the yard and buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says:
- Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself.
Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says:
- SHHHH, they're getting closer...
Yo Mama soooo old she was wearing a Jesus starter jacket!
What do you call a man with 90% of his intelligence gone?
→ Divorced
Your mamma is so fat when god said let there be light he asked her to step out of the way
Out in Kansas, tornadoes often hit with sudden devastation, and without warning. In one case, a house was completely whisked away, leaving only the foundation and first floor. A silver-haired farm lady was seen sitting dazed, in a bathtub, the only remaining part of the house left above the floor. The rescue squad rushed to her aid and found her unhurt. She was just sitting there in the tub, talking to herself.
- It was the most amazing thing ... it was the most amazing thing. - she kept repeating dazedly.
- What was the most amazing thing, Ma'am? - asked one of the rescuers.
- I was visiting my daughter here, taking a bath, and all I did was pull the plug and dog-gone-it if the whole house didn't suddenly drain away.
