Most viewed jokes

MACINTOSH stands for...

Most Applications Crash, If Not, The Operating System Hangs.

There was a new girl in school, when asked her name, she replied "Happy-Butt". When hearing this, the teacher said, "Go straight to the principal young lady." At that, she went to the principal. He asked her why she was in the office, and she said "The teacher sent me hear so you can find out my real name." He said "well, what is your name?" she said "My name is Happy-Butt" He said "That's not a name, I'm looking it up in the computer RIGHT NOW!" So he looks in the computer, and he says "it lists here that your name is Gladys." She said "Exactly, Happy-Butt, Glad-Ass... SAME THING!"

If the NSA made toasters...

Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.

What is the pink stuff between elephant's toes?
→ Slow clowns.

TOP TEN things women would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
11. Get a blow job.
12. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
13. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
14. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
15. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
16. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought to how improper it may seem.
17. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
18. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
19. And, the NUMBER ONE thing women would do if they woke up with a penis...

REPEAT NUMBER 'NINE'.

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said:

- Would you like to say the blessing?

- I wouldn't know what to say - she replied.

- Just say what you hear Mommy say - my wife instructed.

Our daughter bowed her head and said:

- Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner!

Two Boll Weevils grew up in South Carolina, one went to Hollywood and became a famous actor while the other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.

The second one, naturally, became known as the "lesser of two weevils."

The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated:

- I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you.

- Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone.

Once there were 3 Chinese mothers in a church.

They always liked to compete with their sons.

- First mother: My son is a priest. Whenever people see him they say, "Oh my priest!"

- Second mother: Oh yeah, my son is a bishop. Whenever they see him they say, "Oh my bishop!"

- Third mother: (after thinking a bit) Well my son is a fat, lazy pig and whenever people see my son they say, "Oh my God!"

President Yeltsin, President Clinton and Bill Gates are invited to have dinner with God. During dinner He tells them:

- I needed three important people to send my message out to all the people: Tomorrow I will destroy the Earth.

Yeltsin immediately calls together his cabinet and announces:

- I have two really bad news items. God really exists, and tomorrow he will destroy the earth.

Clinton calls an emergency meeting of congress and announces:

- I have good news and bad news. The good news is God really does exist; the bad news is tomorrow he's destroying the Earth.

Gates goes back to Microsoft and tells his employees:

- I have two pieces of great news. First, I am one of the three most important people on earth, and second, I think I've got the Y2K problem fixed.