Most viewed jokes

yo mama is so fat you could use her belly button as a wishing well...

Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse.

- I know that smart aleck Tex, - said the first.

- He's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back.

- Not Tex, - the second cowboy replied.

- He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello.

- I know Tex better than either of you, - said the third.

- He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now.

Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted:

- Audi, partners!

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.

On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer.

Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend. So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag.

At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.

The teacher says:

- Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?

Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says:

- Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!

Sung to the tune of "Day-O" (The Banana Boat Song)

Day-O...oh Day-O,
Air force come and they flatten your home
Run Mr Taliban, we know where you're hiding,
Air force come and they flatten your home
Hey USA, USA, USA...

Air force come and they flatten you home
60ft, 70ft, 80ft craters,
Air force come and they flatten your home
Old Uncle Sam's pissed, he ain't no quitter,
Air force come and they flatten your home
When we finish you all be crying,
Air force come and they flatten your home,
Pilot is brother of New York fireman
Air force come and they flatten your home

- Information. Can I help you?

- I'd like the number of the Theater Guild, please.

- One moment, please. Pause. I'm sorry sir, I have no listing for a Theodore Guild.

- No, no. It isn't a person. It's an organization. It's Theater Guild.

- I told you, sir. I have no listing for a Theodore Guild.

- Not Theodore! Theater! The word is theater. T-H-E-A-T-E-R!

- That, sir, is NOT the way you spell Theodore.

What did the baby chick say to his mummy when she laid an Orange?
→ "Look what Marma-Lade!!"

One guy says to another guy:

- Mandelbaum and Rosenstern were talking one day...

Right away, his friend interrupts him:

- Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest! Why do they always have to be about Jews? Just change the names to another ethnic group for once!

So he starts again:

- Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking one day at their nephew's Bar Mitzvah...

Three men die and go to heaven. When they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter asks them each one question:

- How many times have you cheated on your wife?

The first one answers:

- Never!

St. Peter checks the books, discovers the man is correct and gives him a Rolls-Royce to drive during his stay in heaven. The second man answers:

- Oh, about 25-30 times.

He is given a Ford Pinto and sent on his way. The third man answers:

- Maybe 400-500 times

and is assigned a bicycle. A few months later, the three meet up and the Pinto driver, and the bicycle rider notice the Rolls-Royce man has a long drawn-out sad look on his face. Puzzled, the other two query him as to:

- why the sad face?

Mr. Rolls just looked at them and said:

- I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!

Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings. Software lawyers will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.

There once was a service man who toured the Middle East and married a beautiful little China doll.

He brought her back to the States and they were very happy.

He always enjoyed looking at her rear end and telling her what a beautiful butt she had. Every day it was, "Darling I love you and what a beautiful butt you have." Every night it was, "Darling I love you and what a beautiful butt you have."

Well his birthday was getting close and she wanted to surprise him with a tattoo on her rear end that said, "Beautiful Butt."

So she finds a reputable tattoo artist and explains what she wants. Well the artist asks her to turn around and after a brief pause says, "There is no way I can get "Beautiful Butt" on your tiny little beautiful butt." But I can put a nice "B" on each cheek which will stand for "Beautiful Butt."

A bit disappointed, she agrees and leaves with her B's. Well the big day arrives and after a candle light dinner, gifts, and a sip of brandy, she appears in the bedroom in her birthday suit, turns around and bends over.

Quickly sitting up he exclaims:

- Darling I love you, but who the hell is Bob?