Most viewed jokes

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

- What's up? - he says.

- I'm having a heart attack - cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling. his four-year-old son comes up and says:

- Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door.

Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.

- You jerk - yells the husband.

- my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!

This couple has been dating for about four months, but the guy had been afraid of making any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.

Finally, he gets up his courage and takes her to a secluded spot in his car. While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.

- No thanks - the girl says.

- You know I don't smoke.

What happened when a frog joined the cricket team?
→ He bowled long hops!

A girl sees three dogs in the park and kneels down to pet them. "What's your name?" she asks the first. To her surprise, the dog answers "My name's Huey and I'm having a great day going in and out of puddles." She goes up to the second dog and asks "What's your name?" The dog replies "My name's Duey and I'm having a great day going in and out of puddles." She turns to the third dog and says "I suppose you're going to tell me your names Luey and you're having a great day going in and out of puddles." The dog replies "No, I'm having a fucking miserable day and my name is Puddles."

Regardless of what you may hear, there's still many women these days who are excellent "housekeepers". Seems each time they get a divorce, they keep the house.

Where do tired linedancers go for Breakfast?
→ Ihop

During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up...

The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn't know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98-year old man, who was one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation.

The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man:

- Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?

The old man answered:

- No, that is not the tradition.

The one whose followers sat asked:

- Is the tradition to sit during Shema?

The old man answered:

- No, that is not the tradition.

Then the rabbi said to the old man:

- The congregants fight all the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand...

The old man interrupted, exclaiming:

- THAT is our tradition!

Why can't Santa have children?
→ He only comes once a year.

Two Scotsmen met 25 years after their last get-together. They hugged and slapped each others back and tears formed in their eyes as they renewed their old friendship.

- Let's have a drink like we did in the old days - the first Scot winked at his mate.

- Aye - his mate replied.

- And don't forget it's your shout.

YO MAMAS SO FAT WHEN SHE WEARS A RED DRESS ALL THE KIDS SCREAM LOOK ITS THE KOOLAID MAN y