Most viewed jokes

Three lawyers and three engineers were traveling by train to the same meeting. At the station, the lawyers each buy a ticket but the engineers buy just one. When asked why, the engineers coyly said:

- You'll see.

They all board the train, the lawyers taking seats, but the three engineers all crowding into the bathroom. After the train has left, the conductor comes around and takes the lawyers tickets and knocks on the bathroom door and says:

- Ticket Please.

An arm stretches out from the bathroom and the conductor takes the proffered ticket. The lawyers were very impressed.

On the return trip, the lawyers proposed to emulate the gearheads and bought only one ticket. To their amazement, the engineers bought no ticket at all. When asked, the engineers said:

- You'll see.

All board the train and the lawyers and engineers cram into separate bathrooms to await the conductor. After a few minutes, one of the gearheads emerges from the bathroom, goes over to the lawyers' bathroom, knocks on the door and says:

- Ticket please.

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class:

- Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions.

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly:

- Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this!

With that she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question.

Miss Johnson, with composure, replied:

- The pupil of the eye, in dim light.

- Correct - said Mr. Perkins.

- And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment.

A swedish man was bored. He was bored with his work, bored with his life in general. He felt as there was nothing waiting for him in this life... ...until one day, in the breakfast table, he was reading the morning paper, when he saw an article, which would change his life. It said:

- ...

- Scientist's had found out, that somewhere in Africa, one could still find tribes of genuine cavemen, untouched by civilization. Only thing needed was to find the correct cave and shout "Wohoo!!" and the tribe would answer to this call.

- This is it! - the swede thought.

- This is what I've been waiting for! I'll sell everything I own, go to Africa, find these cavemen, and become rich and famous!

And so he did. He sells everything, moves to Africa and starts looking for the tribe. But cave after cave after cave, no answer. No cavemen. Until one day, yet another cave, and another yell:

- Juhuuu!!

And then he heard it!

- WWOOOOUU WOOOOOO !!!!

- Härregud! - The Swede thought.

- A whole tribe!

And just as he was starting to run to the cave, he thought:

- Now wait a minute. These are cavemen. They don't wear any clothes, and I might scare then off.

So he stripped his clothes off quickly, and started to run into the cave.

And the following day, he was in the headlines all over the world:

- Naked Swede ran over by a train in Africa

What happens if you eat a hot frog?
→ You'll croak in no time!

If women don't fool around, and men do fool around, who are the men fooling around with?

Why do they put a suicide watch on death row prisoners? Why would you care if a man you're planning to kill anyway, kills himself?
Does it spoil the fun?

I also think about the death row prisoner in Texas who, on the day before his execution, managed to take a drug overdose. They rushed him to a hospital, saved his life, then brought him back to prison and killed him.

Apparently, just to anger him.

Pat and Mike work at the Guinness Brewery, and one day there's an accident.

Pat calls Mike's wife, Mary, and says:

- Sure, and I hate to be tellin ya this, but there's been an accident down at the Guinness.

- Saints Preserve us - says she - is Mike alright?

Pat responds:

- I'd like to tell ya that, but it'd be a lie!

- Ya don't mean that me Mike's been hurt? - says Mary.

- Sure, an it's worse than that - says Pat - he's fallen inta the beer vat and drowned!

- Oh, well - says Mary - At least it was quick, ya know he couldn't swim a lick!

- Oh, I wish I could be tellin ya that - says Pat - but it's be a lie. He got out three times ta pee!

Why do hummingbirds hum?
→ They forgot the words......

A blonde guy was sitting in a bar when he spots a very pretty young woman. He advances towards her when the bartender says to him:

- Don't waste your time on that one. She's a lesbian.

The blonde goes over to her anyway and says:

- So which part of Lesbia are you from?

Level I: Your guests are conversing quietly, nibbling at their hors d'oerves, and sipping their drinks. Later, some of the gather by the piano to sing carols while others admire the ornaments on your tree.

Level II: Your guests are talking loudly, wolfing hors d'oerves, and drinking from the bottles. Some people gather by the piano to sing "I Gotta Be Me" while others begin rearranging your ornaments.

Level III: Your guests are arguing wildly among themselves, those that haven't passed out from the upside-down margaritas. One person is singing "I Can't Get No Satisfaction", which can barely be heard over the sound of breaking ornaments. A small group of guests begin placing hors d'oerves in the piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike.

Level IV: Your guests, hors d'oerves smeared over their naked bodies, are performing a ritualistic dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing.

In general, you want to keep your party around Level III, unless you rent your home, have insurance, and are carrying firearms. The quickest way to get to Level III is egg-nog.