Most viewed jokes

- Will the father be present during the birth? - asked the obstetrician.

- Nah, - replied the mother-to-be:

- He and my husband don't get along.

Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men: a woman.

What do you call 47 people sitting around a TV watching the Playoffs?
→ The Dallas Cowboys

How many players did the Cowboys dress for their last game?
→ 22. The rest dressed themselves.

What's Jerry Jones' biggest concern?
→ Does bail money count against the salary cap?

What do you call a drug ring in Dallas?
→ A huddle.

Four Dallas Cowboys are in a car. Who's driving?
→ The police.

Why can't Michael Irvin get into a huddle on the field anymore?
→ It is a parole violation for him to associate with known Felons.

I understand Chicago is trying to sign Michael Irvin. They got rid of the refrigerator and now they want a coke machine.

The Dallas newspapers reported yesterday that Texas Stadium is going to take out the artificial turf because the Cowboys play better on "grass".

The Dallas Cowboys adopted a new "Honor System". Yes, your Honor, No, your Honor.

The Cowboys had a 8 and 8 season this year. 8 arrests, 8 convictions.

The Cowboys knew they had to do something for their defense, so they hired a new defensive coordinator; Johnny Cochran.

What's the difference between a Cowboys fan and a baby?
→ Eventually the baby stops whining.

A woman in Dallas calls 911. When the officer answers the phone the woman is hysterical and tells the cop that a man has just broken into her home and she thinks he intends to rape her. The officer explain that they are just extremely busy at the moment and tells her:

- Just get the guy's jersey number and we'll get back to you.

- She: What do you love most, my natural beauty or my body?

- He: Your sense of humor.

Two drunks are driving down the road drinking beer. All of a sudden they see a police car lights flashing in the rear view mirror.

- What are we going to do? - asks the drunk passenger.

- Don't worry, I know what to do. Peel the label off your bottle and stick it to your forehead. Let me do all the talking.

They pull over and the cop gets out.

- May I see your license and your registration? - he asks.

The guy gives him his license.

- Have you been drinking?

- No officer. We haven't.

- Well, you were weaving back and forth. Are you sure you haven't had anything to drink? - the officer asked.

- I swear officer. I haven't had a sip.

- Well, why do you have beer labels on your foreheads?

The man answers:

- These aren't labels. We are alcoholics, and we're on the patch.

A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong.

- Nothing, - said the woman.

Not buying it, he asked again:

- Seriously, what's wrong?

- Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you."

- Why should I? - he said:

- Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift.

- Yes, - she said:

- but I'm their real mother.

This guy goes to the zoo one day. While standing in front of the gorilla's cage, a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.
When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper.
Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "F**k you!" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better and he vowed revenge.
The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, where he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn.
Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, looked at the hat, and put it on. Next, he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half.
The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.

There are three construction workers on top of a building having lunch. One Italian, one Polak, and one Oriental.

The Italian has a meatball hero, the Oriental has noodles, and the Polak has knockwurst. The Italian and the Oriental are tired of having the same lunches everyday. The Italian says that if he gets a meatball hero the next day that he will throw it off the building. The Oriental says that if he gets noodles tommorow he will also throw it off the building. The Polak says that if he gets knockwurst tommorow he will throw it off the building.

Sure enough the Italian and Oriental workers open their lunch-boxes and they find that they have a meatball hero and noodles respectively. They both throw their lunches off the building. The Polak then throws his sandwich off the building.

The other guys ask him how he knew that it was knockwurst again without even looking.

He responded by saying:

- Because I pack my own lunch.

A little girl was playing up a tree near a church. The priest was taking a walk when he happened to look up the tree and saw the little girl. She had no panties on. He called her down and gave her money to buy a pair of panties. The girl was so happy and told her mommy about it. The next day when the priest was again taking his daily walk, he looked up the same tree and saw the young girl's mother up there. She had no panties on. He called her down and gave her two dollars to buy a razor.

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her:

- How many children do you have?

- Ten - she replied.

- What are their names? - he asked.

- LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy - she answered.

- They're all named LeRoy? - he asked.

- What if you want them to come in from playing outside?

- Oh, that's easy - she said.

- I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come running in.

- And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?

- I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner' - she answered.

- But what if you just want ONE of them to do something? - he asked.

- Oh, that's easy - she said.

- I just use their last name!