- First man: Hey did you know that my airplane got caught in a heavy storm. The engine was leaking and it was raining.
- Second Man: Then it is a miracle that you landed safely on the ground and nothing happened to you.
- First Man: Who said the airplane was flying?!!
Guy goes to the pharmacy at his wife's request to buy her some tampons. About an hour later he comes home with a bag of cotton balls.
Staring at him in disbelief she asks:
- What the HELL...?!?! I asked for TAMPONS, not friggin COTTONBALLS!!
He says:
- Remember when I asked you to pick me up a pack of cigarettes and you came home with a tin of tobacco and told me to roll my own because the cigs were too expensive.....?
A little girl goes into the toilet and sees her dad having a shower.
It's at that moment she spots his penis. Pointing at it she says...:
- Daddy, daddy, when will I get one of those?
The dad looks at the little girl, looks out the door, looks back at the little girl and winks...:
- When your mommy goes to the mall!
What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?
→ Snoop in your medicine cabinet.
One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look. Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door.
- Excuse me - our man stammered - but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is.
- Yeah? So? - his hulking neighbor replied.
- Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts.
The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside.
- OK - the husband says gruffly - for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's tits.
At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed.
- Well, come on already, kiss 'em! - he growls.
- I can't - replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.
- Why not? - demands the husband, getting really angry now.
- I don't have ten thousand dollars.
Where did the kittens go on their class trip?
→ To a mewseum.
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend:
- Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?
"I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim."
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
- Mother, where do babies come from? - The mother thinks for a few seconds and says:
- Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex. The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues:
- That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey. The child seems to comprehend.
- Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?
- Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.
15 Signs You Forgot Someone On Secretaries Day
What's the biggest moth in the world?
→ A mammoth!
