Most viewed jokes

A famous hypnotist was performing in a large auditorium full of students one night. He began to speak in a soft and steady voice over the loud-speaker system:

- Listen to the sound of my voice... - he kept repeating,

- the sound of my voice... every word is a command... the sound of my voice...

Pretty soon, he had every single student in the audience completely mesmerized, each one hanging on his every word.

Needing to take a quick piss, he announced:

- I will have to leave the stage for a moment, but you will all remain in a trance while I am gone

And then he repeated the words:

- the sound of my voice... every word is a command.

As he turned to go, he tripped over the microphone cord, landed on his butt, and yelled:

- SHIT!

Why can't Jesus eat M & M's?
→ Because they fall through the holes in his hands.

One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge.

The brain said:

- I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

The eyes said:

- I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

The hands said:

- Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

The stomach said:

- I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

The legs said:

- Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

Then the rectum said:

- I think I should be in charge.

All the rest of the parts said:

- YOU?!? You don't do anything! You're not important! You can't be in charge.

So the rectum closed up. After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy.

They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.

Today's lesson: You don't have to be the most important to be in charge, just an a - - hole.

An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:

- Man: Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old.

- Father: When was the last time you made a confession?

- Man: I never have, I am Jewish.

- Father: Then why are telling me all this?

- Man: I am telling everybody ...

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says:

- Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?

The third fellow says:

- I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.

The first two guys were amazed.

- What happened then? - they asked.

- She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'.

A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter "R," and all the other kids were, of course, teasing him about it. To help him out, the teacher gave him a sentence to practice at home:

- Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare.

In class a few days later, the teacher asked the boy to recite the sentence out loud. The boy nervously eyed his classmates -- many of them already laughing at him -- then replied:

- Bob gave Dick a poke in the side because the bunny wasn't cooked enough.

A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to Little Johnny. So she said:

- If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?

- Somebody else's pants. - said the Little Johnny.

Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
→ Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Ok, I'm going to get a lot of hate mail for this one...

What's the definition of the perfect woman?

She's three feet tall, has a round hole for a mouth, and her head is flat so you can put a can on it. The sports model has pull back ears and her teeth fold in. The economy model fucks all night and at midnight turns into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack.

An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong. "I'm scared out of my mind," the stud replied. "Some pissed-off husband wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop fucking his wife." "So stop," the barkeep said. "I can't," the womanizer replied, taking a long swill. "The prick didn't sign his name!"