Most viewed jokes

Is It Better To Be a Jock or a Nerd?

• Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not.
• If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
• If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.
• If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
• He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.
• He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
• If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
• If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
• He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
• Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.
• If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
• He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
• While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
• This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.

Amazing isn't it? However...

• If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today.

Game over. Nerd wins.

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?

It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome.

So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.

So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the lousy haircut?"

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.

Newsreader, BBC Radio 4: "Working mothers are the backbone of the third half of the economy."
Glenda Jackson, Channel 4 TV: "There's nothing athletes like - or indeed hate - more than hanging around like this." - David Coleman, BBC 1 TV
"Not being in the Rumbelows Cup for those teams won't mean a row of beans, 'cos that's only small potatoes." - Ian St John, ITV
"Oldham are leading 1-0, a well deserved victory at this stage of the game." - Tommy Docherty, Picadilly Radio
Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3: "We don't appear to have Jim Fish on the line at the moment."
"Are there any more great swimmers in the pipeline?" - Cliff Morgan, BBC Radio 4
"Andre Vandapole has four silver medals in cyclocross, and none of them gold." - Phil Liggott, Channel 4 TV
"Well, I shall remember that catch for many a dying day."

The media have grotesquely skewed the public image of women who choose to own firearms. Unfortunately, such exposure can affect one's self-image. This test is offered in the hopes of putting these false images into a more proper perspective.

Please circle your answers to each below:

1. What is the real meaning of that pink T-shirt with a revolver on it that says: "The ultimate in feminine protection" ?

1. Obviously a plot by seditious gun fanatics from the NRA.
2. I'm amazed the pigs have no law banning women's T-Shirts.
3. A 9mm for "light days" and a .44 Magnum for "heavy days".

2. For rape and assault prevention, a whistle is:

1. All you'll ever need.
2. Like I'd use yet another phallic symbol.
3. The signal to open Fire.

3. The movie "Thelma & Louise" was:

1. An insidious plot to stamp out femininity and glorify violence.
2. A male ploy to encourage further suppression of women.
3. A training film.

4. What was technically wrong with the scene in "Thelma & Louise" where the two women disarmed a Texas State Police Officer.

1. Tacky, tasteless, and altogether gauche I mean pointing guns; let alone taking his icky, disgusting gun for their own use.
2. Only thing I saw wrong was that it took two sisters to disarm only one man; not realistic at all.
3. The dummies left a perfectly good shotgun clamped to the dashboard of the cruiser.

5. A mouse runs across the kitchen floor. The proper response it to:

1. Climb onto a high stool and scream for a man to help you.
2. Is it a male mouse or a female mouse ?
3. Link up the belt feed to the M-60.

6. You are discussing the local crime stats with your neighbor, Ralph, who suggests you buy a .25 caliber pistol for defense. You reply:

1. Never! A woman who buys a gun has humiliatingly surrendered to the evil ethos of mindless brute force!
2. Yeah, like I'm supposed to stand there and let old fat gut Ralph leer and drool like he usually does. Men are such pigs !
3. Only to plant in the dead hand of the next little weasel stupid enough to give me whimpy advice like that!

7. What is your reaction to the concept of a bra holster ? [INLINE]

1. Obscene ! The icon of death with the symbol of nurturing.
2. What's a bra ?
3. As long as it doesn't get in the way of my shoulder sling.

8. Define "male."

1. The first syllable of "malevolence," which in turn is only one letter short of "male violence."
2. An animal with a one track mind. A brute who feels the need to try to control, suppress, double-talk all women everywhere.
3. A quaint anachronism, once useful for protection of females, but rendered obsolete by contemporary firepower.

9. Where, in the scheme of things defensive, do such spray products as Mace and CapStun belong?

1. Nowhere! If you just show your attacker compassion and understanding, you won't need nasty things like that.
2. Yet more products of questionable effect manufactured by the male dominated industrial complex to make women feel somewhat secure.
3. In the medicine cabinet; real women use mace instead of Feminique.

10. You are cornered in your home by a knife-wielding intruder. He ignores your command to halt, and charges you with the knife upraised. How many shots should you fire?

1. None. It would be better to die or submit than sacrifice moral victory by using deadly force. How unseemly and gauche.
2. As many as I had, assuming the male dominated firearms industry would sell me a gun; or let alone ammunition in the first place.
3. A minimum of fifty shots. Hey, how often do you get a chance like that to express yourself, and get in touch with your feelings?

Grading the Exam

If 8 or more of your answers were "1": This indicates you're a true pacifist. Perhaps the meek will indeed inherit the earth someday, as it is written, but only when the rest of us are done with it.

If 8 or more of your answers were "2": Hey babe -- you're stuck in the 60's sweetheart. Loosen up! A full 12.7% of you chicks have good jobs and make almost as much us men now. I mean like ... What more do you want outta us poor males ?

If 8 or more of your answers were "3": Don't feel too bad. Society may not yet have a place for you, but Hollywood will, as soon as they start casting for the lead role in "Bride of Rambo".

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood. The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump. "My what big ears you have, Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood. Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

Some distance further down the track Little Red Riding Hood again encounters the Big Bad Wolf, this time crouched behind a road sign. "My what big teeth you have, Mr Wolf", taunts Little Red Riding Hood. With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams... "Will you fuck off, I'm trying to take a shit !"

A marine general, an army general and a navy admiral were discussing who had the toughest men. The army general says, "Alright, I'll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get over here!"

The private reports as ordered, "Yes sir?"

The general says, "See that man over there? Kill him!"

Without hesitating, the private kills the man.

The general says, "See? That man has balls!"

The marine general says, "That's nothing. Private, get over here!"

The marine private reports, "Yes, sir?"

The marine general says, "See that man over there? Kill him and then kill yourself."

Without blinking, the marine private pulls out his M-16 and blows away the guy, then turns the rifle on himself and unloads several rounds.

The marine general says, "See? Now that man has balls!"

The admiral says, "That's nothing."

He calls to a seaman high up on a tower, "Hey, seaman, jump off that tower!"

The seaman answers, "Excuse me, sir?"

The admiral repeats, "JUMP OFF THAT TOWER!"

The seaman replies, "Fuck you, sir!"

The admiral says, "See? That man has balls and he's got brains too!"

How do you get four elephants into a Mini?
→ Two in the front, two in the back.

Yo mama so old, I slapped her on the back and her tits fell off!

- Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.

- Mum: Well, you have done the right thing.

- Son: But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She walked around to look at the artwork.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."