Most viewed jokes

The EPA is conducting a $700,000 dollar study to see if Alaskan trees are polluting Oregon forests. You can tell Republicans are in power. "Pollution? It's those damn trees."

Jay Leno

The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.

- Ever have an accident?

- Nope, nary a one.

- None? You've never had any accidents.

- Nope. Ain't never had one. Never.

- Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?

- Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose.

Mr. Greenberg was an illiterate immigrant, but he worked hard, saved his pennies, and started a small business. It did well, and soon he had enough money to send for the wife and children. The work kept him very busy, so he never had time to learn to write, but the bank was happy to do business with him, even though his signature consisted of two X's.

He prospered, he opened more stores, the kids were transferred to private schools, the family moved into a fancy house (with one staircase going nowhere just for show)...you get the idea. One day his banker, Mr. Smith, asked him to drop by.

"So vat's the problem?" Greenberg asked, a bit anxiously.

Smith waved a bunch of checks at him. "Perhaps nothing," he said, "but I wanted to be on the safe side. These recent checks of yours are all signed with 3 X's, but your signature of record has just 2."

Greenberg looked embarrassed. "I'm sorry about making trouble," he said, "but my vife said that since I'm now such a high class rich guy, I should have a middle name!"

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear," replied the mother. "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
→ A good start!

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.

The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

Never squat with yer spurs on.
There's two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.
Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
Finally, never miss a good chance to shut up.

"WOMEN SEEKING MEN" Classifieds

40-ish means: 48
Adventurer means: Has had more partners than you ever will
Affectionate means: Possessive
Artist means: Unreliable
Average looking means: You figure this one out
Beautiful means: Pathological liar
Commitment-minded means: Pick out curtains, now!
Communication important means: Just try to get a word in edgewise
Contagious Smile means: Bring your penicillin
Educated means: College dropout
Emotionally Secure means: Medicated
Employed means: Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home
Enjoys art and opera means: Snob
Enjoys Nature means: Bring your own granola
Exotic Beauty means: Would frighten a Martian
Financially Secure means: One paycheck from the street
Free spirit means: Substance abuser
Friendship first means: Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun means: Annoying
Gentle means: Comatose
Good Listener means: Hard to pull a word from her
Humorous means: Caustic
Intuitive means: Your opinion doesn't count
In Transition means: Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills
Light drinker means: Lush
Looks younger means: If viewed from far away in bad light
Loves Travel means: If you're paying
Loves Animals means: Cat lady
Non-traditional means: Ex-husband lives in the basement
Open-minded means: Desperate
Outgoing means: Loud
Passionate means: Loud
Poet means: Depressive Schizophrenic
Redhead means: Shops on the Clairol aisle
Reliable means: Frumpy
Reubenesque means: You can figure this one out
Romantic means: Looks better by candle light
Self-employed means: Jobless
Smart means: Insipid
Special means: Rode the small schoolbus w/ tinted windows
Spiritual means: Involved with a cult
Stable means: Boring
Tall, thin means: Anorexic
Tan means: Wrinkled
Wants Soulmate means: One step away from stalking
Widow Nagged means: first husband to death
Writer means: Pompous
Young at heart means: How about the rest

Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days. "Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."

"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."

"What was the jingle?" asked the first.

"Oh," replied the other off hand, "just our medals."

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!" "Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"