Most viewed jokes

Why wasn't Jesus born in America?
→ They couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin.

A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements.

He tells her:

- Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your breasts and say, 'Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great boobs!

One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

At this point she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up right in the middle of the bus and said:

- Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies!

A guy sitting nearby asked her:

- Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?

- Why, yes, I do. How did you know?

- Hickory dickory dock!

Here is this guy who really takes care of his body he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day. One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it. He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand except for the one part sticking out.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says:

- There really is no justice in this world.

The other little old lady says:

- What do you mean?

The first little old lady says:

- Look at that.

- When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it.

- When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it.

- When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it.

- When I was 40 years old, I asked for it.

- When I was 50 years old, I paid for it.

- When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it.

- When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it.

- And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!

How do you save a drowning mouse?
→ Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.

When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

- Well, you really tied one on last night - she said.

- Where'd you go?

- I worked late - he said - and I stopped off for a couple of beers.

- A couple of beers? That's a laugh - she replied.

- You got plastered last night. Where did you go?

- What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?

- Well - she replied - my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror.

What does the band now play when Clinton enters the room?
→ Kneel to the Chief!

Brunette after sex:

- Oh that was great! Love you... wanna marry?

Blonde after sex:

- Next!

Redhead after sex:

- Better start chewing some VITAMINS, kid.

Old Chinese proverb: Rape impossible!

Woman with skirt up run faster than man with trousers down!

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him:

- How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!

At this the Texan drawled:

- Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends.

Why can't Chinese Barbecue?
→ Because the rice falls through the grill