Most viewed jokes

What do you get when you cross an Arab with a Mexican?
→ Oil of Ole'

Why do New Zealanders have sex with sheep on the edge of mountains?
→ So they push back harder.

Voice Mail. Never answer your phone if you have voicemail. People don't call you just because they want to giveyou something for nothing - they call because they want YOUto do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all yourcalls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mailmessage for you and it sounds like impending work, respondduring lunch hour when you know they're not there - it lookslike you're hardworking and conscientious even though you'rebeing a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the methodof screening incoming calls and then returning calls whennobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that thecaller will give up or look for a solution that doesn'tinvolve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can everhear is: "Ignore my last message. I took care of it". If yourvoice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it canhold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way todo that is to never erase any incoming messages. If thattakes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callerswill hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailboxis full" - a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee inhigh demand.

A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and no one is there. He looks all around and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. He picks it up and throws it across the street into a field.

Ten years go by, and one day he hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up and no one is there.

He looks all around, and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat.

The snail looks up and says:

- What the hell was that all about?

What's the best way to force a man to do situps?
→ Put the remote between his toes.

What do you do if someone's having a seizure in a bathtub?
→ Throw in a load of laundry.

Two starving homeless men are walking down an empty street in a quiet town. they spy a dead horse on the side of the road and run towards it. the first man begins to eat the horse, but the second man refuses, saying only that he will wait. after the first man has eaten his fill they continue on down the road. eventually the first man gets sick from the horse meat and throws it up. the second man pulls out a napkin from his pocket and exclaims as he sits down: "now THIS is what i've been waiting for! a hot meal!"

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000.00 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice:

- I'd like to try the bet.

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000.00, and asked the little man:

- what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?

The man replied:

- I work for the IRS.

Why was the female blonde confused whilst going to the ladies toilet??
→ She had to pull her own pants down

Instructions on how to Collect a Beaker of Cat's Urine

1. Treat the beaker like your most prized possession.
2. Solemnly intone the word "no" every time the cat approaches the beaker.
3. After completing steps #1 and #2, leave the cat alone with the beaker for thirty seconds.