One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say to defend herself.
- Well, Your Honor - she replied coolly - I figured that at 92, if he could make love to another woman, he could fly!
What do you get if you cross a worm and an elephant?
→ Very big worm holes in your garden!
What is a mouse's favorite game?
→ Hide and squeak!
Finally, Serbian hackers hacked the navigation systems of "Tomahawk" missiles -- now they're called "Boomerang."
If men had PMS/PMT, what would happen?
a. The federal government would allocate funds to study it.
b. Cramps would become an acceptable reason to apply for permanent disability.
c. There would be a federal holiday every 28 days
A man finds himself staying in a Vegas hotel room while on a business trip. Not wishing to be alone, he calls an "escort" service for some company. Soon, a strikingly beautiful hooker arrives.
Without preamble the hooker says:
- I want to tell you right up front, my minimum fee is $500, and that's for a hand job.
- $500 for a hand job? Why, that's outrageous! - the man exclaimed.
- No hand job in the world could be worth $500!
The hooker summons the man to the window and points down onto the parking lot below.
- See that cherry red Maserati down there? I own that because of what I can do with my hands.
Against his better judgement, the man pays the $500 and sure enough the hooker sends him into utter bliss, by far the best sexual experience of his life. After he recuperates he says to the hooker:
- God, that was fantastic!! How much for a blowjob?
- $2500 - the hooker replied.
- $2500 for a blowjob? - cried the astonished man.
- That's way too much!
Again the hooker summons the man to the window, this time pointing across the street.
- Do you see that large medical building right off the strip there? I own that because of what I can do with my mouth.
- Oh no - moans the man.
- this is gonna break me, but I just have to try it.
Once again the hooker takes him to the edge of the universe and back, far surpassing the pleasure he received earlier, leaving him utterly drained and totally gratified. As soon as the man can speak again, he says:
- I just have to know. How much do you get for pussy?
The hooker drags the man to the window for a third time, points and proclaims:
- Do you see the MGM Grand Hotel sitting there on the corner? I could own that if I had a pussy!
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.
- I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family - said the man.
- To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.
The son-in-law interrupted:
- I hate factories. I can't stand the noise.
- I see - replied the father-in-law.
- Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.
- I hate office work - said the son-on-law.
- I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day.
- Wait a minute - said the father-in-law.
- I just made you a half-owner of a profitable corporation, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?
- Easy - said the young man.
- Buy me out!!!
Why did the blonde go half way to Sweden and then turn around and come home?
→ It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a television.
What is a mosquito's favorite sport?
→ Skin-diving!
Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell. So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home.
Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says:
- No hay problema, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff.
When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked - St. Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do. Finally, one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage.
As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other:
- My goodness! Fidel has been in hell no more than ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!
