Most viewed jokes

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men saying the following:

- Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Denna I come once-a more.

- You fowl-mouthed swine - retorted the lady indignantly.

- In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!

- Hey, coola down lady - said the man.

- Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi.

A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just takento work. The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?" Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey,my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like youwouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is veryefficient." "Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closedher eyes when you lay her down on the couch."

What do you get if you cross a spider and an elephant?
→ I'm not sure, but if you see one walking across the ceiling then run before it collapses!

Clinton died and was standing at the Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared:

- Who goes there? - inquired St. Peter.

- It's me, Bill Clinton.

- And what do you want? - asked St. Peter.

- Lemme in! - replied Clinton.

- Soooo, - pondered Peter. What bad things did you do on earth?

Clinton thought a bit and answered:

- Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had extra-marital sex -- but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.' And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury.

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied:

- OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over.

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of agitation.

- Father! - she cried.

- just WAIT until you hear this!

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said:

- Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?

- Well, father - the nun began.

- I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!

- A serious infraction, indeed! - said the priest.

- But that's not what has me so excited, father - replied the nun.

- it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!

- What an incredible wager! - exclaimed the priest.

- What did you do?

"Well, I hit the CEILING, father."

"How much did you win?"

What did the spider say when he broke his new web?
→ Darn it!

What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
→ Hard cheese!

A person turned on the computer without a keyboard plugged in.

When she turns on the computer, the computer finds out that there is no keyboard attached and it gives a "Keyboard Error" message.

She then asks:

- Why did it give me a keyboard error? There isn't even a keyboard attached?

One day at a trial, an eminent psychologist was called to testify. A severe, no-nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair, unaware that its rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform.

- Will you state your name? - asked the district attorney.

Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment. Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her disheveled dress and hair and was reseated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk.

- Well, doctor - continued the district attorney without changing expression - we could start with an easier question.

Phil was at the bar one night, and complained about having a headache.

- I've got a beaut cure for a headache, - said his mate Trev. - Whenever I have a headache I head home and I get my wife to give me a long, slow, wet blowjob. Never fails.

A week went by and they were in the bar again, talking.

- Did you try my headache cure? - asked Trev.

- Yeah, - said Phil, - worked great! Your house is nice, too!