A shapely lady in a bikini walked into the ocean to take a swim. A large wave came up and washed over her, tearing off her bikini top.
She came out of the surf with her arms folded across her chest.
Little Johnny, playing in the sand looked up at her and said:
- Lady, if you're going to drown those puppies, I'll take the one with the brown nose.
Two goldfish are in a tank when one turns to the other and says "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
This guy is setting at a bar, and he's had a lot to drink that night; he asks the bartender for another drink, but the bartender says no. The guy is pretty upset by this and persists, but the bartender keeps saying no. Finally the guy asks:
- Well isn't there anything that you can give me?
The bartender says:
- I've got this parrot over there in the corner, sitting on a perch, with no legs.
The guy interested by this asks how the parrot stays on the perch with no legs. The bartender tells the guy that the parrot just raps his dick around the perch. The guy is amazed by this and agrees to take the bird home. On the trip home he asks the parrot if he can talk. The parrot says:
- Sure I can talk!
The guy thinks for a second and then says:
- I've got a job for you. I have to go to work tomorrow and my wife will be home alone all day long. I want you to watch her and tell me everything that happens while I'm gone. The only person other than my wife scheduled to be there is the milk man.
The parrot agrees to watch the man's wife. The next morning the guy leaves for work, leaving only his wife and the parrot at home. Later that evening the man returns home and asks the parrot what his wife did all day.
- Parrot: Within an hour after you left the milk man appeared. Your wife walked to the door, dressed in her bathrobe and let him in. Right away they started kissing!
- Man: Then what happened after that?
- Parrot: They started taking each other's clothes off.
- Man: And then what? (getting more angry)
- Parrot: Your wife started jacking him off!
- Man: What next? (really steamed by this time)
- Parrot: She started giving him a blow job!
- Man: And what then, did they do anything else?
- Parrot: I don't know by that time I got a hard on, and fell off my perch!
What is life like for a wood worm?
→ Boring!
A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch.
A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians he buries them.
The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man.
- So you buried all the politicians? - asked the police officer.
- Were they all dead?
The farmer answered:
- Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie.
At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, "Who here has ever seen a ghost?" Most of the hands go up. "And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?" About half the hands stay up.
"OK, now how many of you have had physical contact with a ghost?" Three hands stay up; there's a slight murmur in the crowd. "Gosh, that's pretty good. OK, have any of you ever, uh, been intimate with a ghost?" One hand stays up. The speaker blinks. "Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you've actually had sexual contact with a ghost?" The guy with his hand up suddenly blushes and says, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said 'goat'."
Paul says to Jesus:
- Hey man, whatcha doing for Passover?
Jesus says:
- Just hanging around.
This is what should happen to ALL CATS..!
HOW TO WASH THE CAT
Sincerely,
THE DOG
Hello, this is probably 438-9012, yes, the house of the famous statistician. I'm probably not at home, or not wanting to answer the phone, most probably the latter, according to my latest calculations. Supposing that the universe doesn't end in the next 30 seconds, the odds of which I'm still trying to calculate, you can leave your name, phone number, and message, and I'll probably phone you back. So far the probability of that is about 0.645. Have a nice day.
A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver.
- Mam, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?
The woman replied:
- Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied:
- Ma'am... that's your air freshener.
