A man is in a hospital bed completly wrapped up in a body cast.
One of the nurses gave him a rectal thermometer and said:
- Don't move -- I'll be right back.
When she returned the thermometer was in his mouth. She asked in amazement:
- How did you get that in your mouth, you can't even move?
- I hiccupped.
What's green and smells like pig?
→ Kermit's fingers.
How come Mike Tyson's eyes always water during sex?
→ Mace...
Build Vocabulary. Read up on some computer magazines andpick out all the jargon and new products. Use it freely whenin conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have tounderstand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.
Bob woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
- Louise - he moaned:
- tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?
- Even worse - she said, her voice oozing scorn:
- You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.
- He's an idiot - Bob said.
- Piss on him!
- You did - came the reply.
- And he fired you.
- Well, screw him! - said Bob.
- I did. You're back at work on Monday.
Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball.
He told his friends:
- I was the James Bond type of player.
- I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition.
His wife added:
- Batted .007.
This speaks a lot about the Japanese quality standards and also cultural misunderstandings. They're still laughing about this at IBM.
Apparently the computer giant decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the specifications, they set out that they will accept three defective parts per 10,000. When the delivery came in there was an accompanying letter:
- We, Japanese people, had a hard time understanding North American business practices. But the three defective parts per 10,000 have been separately manufactured and have been included in the consignment. Hope this pleases you.
A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him:
- How the hell do the two of you have sex?
The big guy says:
- I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down.
His friend says:
- You know, that don't sound too bad.
The big guy says:
- Well, it's kind of like jerking off, only I got somebody to talk to.
Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
→ Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
A Scottish cop was asked how he'd break up a crowd.
He answered:
- I'd take up a collection!
