Most viewed jokes

How do you make a gay baby cry?
→ Take the pacifier out of his ass.

• Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
• Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.
• If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
• Throw away a hundred dollar bill - now.
• Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.
• Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
• Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
• Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
• Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
• Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
• Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.
• Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.
• Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
• Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.

Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing.

Yo mama so skinny she hula hoops with a cheerio
Yo mama so skinny she has to wear a belt with spandex.
Yo mama so skinny she turned sideways and dissapeared.

Top nine reasons computers must be male:

- They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

- A better model is always just around the corner.

- They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.

- It is always necessary to have a backup.

- They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.

- The best part of having either one is the games you can play.

- The lights are on but nobody's home.

- Big power surges knock them out for the night.

- Size does matter

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

- What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.? - said the officer.

- I'm going to a lecture - the man said.

- And who is going to give a lecture at this hour? - the cop asked.

- My wife - said the man.

Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House Gingrich, and President Clinton are traveling in a car together in Kansas. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. They all fall into a daze. When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz. They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting people their wishes.

Quayle says:

- I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain.

Gingrich responds:

- I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart.

Clinton speaks up:

- Where's Dorothy?

Little Johnny was sitting on the bench in the park.

Suzie comes along chomping on her bubblegum. Suzie asked:

- You wanna play doctor?

Johnny replied:

- NO, that too old fashioned. Spit out you gum, I wanna play president.

How to Hunt Elephants -- QA Style
Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

So these three people are hiking in a forest, and all of a sudden these headhunters catch them and bring the hikers to the head headhunter.

The head headhunter says:

- If you want to live you must complete some tasks. First you must go into the forest, pick some fruits, and bring them back

So the hikers did that and came back.

The head head hunter said:

- Now you must take the fruits you picked and stick them up your ass.

So the first hiker has apples... Ok, apples it shouldn't be too hard. 1 up okay... 2 up the hiker starts screaming, so the headhunters chop off his head. The second hiker has grapes. Ok, grapes this should be easy! 1 up okay... 2 up fine... 3... 4 the hiker starts laughing like crazy! The headhunters chop off his head.

So the two hikers who got their heads chopped off are up in Heaven and the hiker who had the apples asks the hiker who had the grapes:

- What happened... you had grapes, I mean you got killed c'mon what happened?

The guy who had grapes says:

- Well the other hiker........ he........ he......... he had watermellons!

A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said:

- Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession.

The engineer replied:

- But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine.

Then, the lawyer spoke up. - Yes, - he said - But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?