Most viewed jokes

A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said:

- Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession.

The engineer replied:

- But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine.

Then, the lawyer spoke up. - Yes, - he said - But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?

Why is Bill Clinton happy he named his dog "Buddy?"
→ Because it's a BAD TIME to be yelling "come Spot!" in the Whitehouse.

A man finally goes with his wife to church. The man was so impressed with the preacher's sermon he stopped on the way out to shake his hand.

- Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a DAMNED fine sermon.

The preacher says:

- Why thank you sir, but we don't used profanity in the house of the Lord.

The man says:

- But preacher, that was the best DAMNED sermon I ever heard.

The preacher says again:

- sir I must be blunt, DO NOT use curse words in the Lords house again.

The man says:

- Well I was so impressed with your sermon that I placed $1000 dollars in the collection plate.

The preacher says:

- NO SHIT?

A woman comes home from the doctor and tells her husband the bad news that she has only 18 hours to live. - That's terrible!!! - said her husband - What would you like to do during your last hours? I'll try to make it as memorable as possible for you.

- Well - she said - First, I want to take a long romantic walk, then have a quiet dinner at my favorite restaurant and then go to bed with you and make passionate love all night long!

- Gee, Honey. - said her husband - I don't know about that 'all night long' stuff. After all, I'm gonna have to get up in the morning and you won't

The three survivors of the shipwreck were being driven mad by hunger.

The Irishman, an expert navigator, told the others that if they could row the lifeboat for three more days they could make landfall.

The Pole, the ship's doctor, said that they could not possibly last that long, that there was only one solution to the problem and that one of them would have to sacrifice themselves for the good of the others.

The Englishman, the captain, said that he quite understood and that he would volunteer as he should have gone down with the ship anyway.

After saying an emotional farewell to his crewmen, the captain jumped overboard and sank without trace.

Little Johnny was in a spelling bee in class. He had to spell the word and use it in a sentence. The teacher asked him to please spell the word EAR. Little Johnny stood up and proudly said EAR E,A,R. Then to use it in a sentence he pretended to take a big hit off a joint and then while pretending to have his lungs full of smoke he predended to pass the joint to little Suzy and said "Ear"

Some of the most tactful people on Earth are English. One office supervisor called a secretary in to give her the bad news that she was being fired. He started the conversation with: "Miss Symthe, I really don't know how we're going to get along without you, but starting Monday, we're going to try."

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.

- Are you crazy - yelled the customer - sticking your thumb in my steak?!

- What - answers the waiter - You want it to fall on the floor again?

What did the wife spider say to her husband when he tried to explain why he was late?
→ Your spinning me a yarn here!

What's the chilliest ground in the premiership?
→ Cold Trafford!

How did the football pitch end up as triangle?
→ Somebody took a corner!

Why didn't the dog want to play football?
→ It was a boxer!

What did they call Dracula when he won the league?
→ The champire!

Which England player keeps up the fuel supply?
→ Paul gas coin!

- Manager: I'll give you fifty pounds a week to start with and a hundred pounds a week in a year's time.

- Young player: OK, I'll come back in a year's time!

- Manager: Twenty teams in the league and you lot finish bottom?

- Captain: Well, it could have been worse.

- Manager: How?

- Captain: There could have been more teams in the league!