Most viewed jokes

What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
→ An insurance company.

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number.

The Redneck says:

- I want my $20 million.

To which the man replied:

- No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today, and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.

The Redneck said:

- Oh, no. I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it.

Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out:

- Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my $20 million "right now," THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!!

This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend:

- I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse, I'm sending him over.

The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse.

- A female horth, - the midget replies.

So the owner shows him one.

- Nith looking horth, can I see thea her mouth?

So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth.

- Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?

So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes.

- Ok, what about the earsth?

Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears.

- OK, finally, I'd like to see her twat, - said the midget.

With that, the owner picked up the midget and shoved his head up the horse's twat, then pulled him out.

Shaking his head, the midget says:

- perhapth I should rephrase.

- I'd like to see her run!

- Dan: My little brother is a real pain.

- Nan: Things could be worse.

- Dan: How?

- Nan: He could be twins!

It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy. Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest. -- S. den Hartog, Ph D. Thesis Universtity of Groningen.

- Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

- Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

- Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...

- Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

- Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

- Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

- Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

- Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...

The Judge said to the defendant:

- I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again.

- Your Honor - the criminal said - that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen.

What's a Jewish American Princess' favorite position?
→ Facing Bloomingdales

Why does a blonde have curtains on her PC?
→ To open windows

Which fish can perform operations?
→ A Sturgeon!

Where do little fishes go every morning?
→ To plaice school!

What fish goes up the river at 100mph?
→ A motor pike!

How could the dolphin afford to buy a house?
→ He prawned everything!

- 1st kipper: 'Smoking's bad for you'

- 2nd kipper: 'It's OK, I've been cured'

What kind of fish is useful in freezing weather?
→ Skate!

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
→ Fsh!

What lives in the ocean, is grouchy and hates neighbours?
→ A hermit crab!

What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
→ As far away as possible!

Why did the whale cross the road?
→ To get to the other tide!