Most viewed jokes

AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
All Un-informed Drivers Insulted
All Unnecessary Devices Installed

BMW
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster

BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer

CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

DODGE
Dumb Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

FORD
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fast Only Rolling Downhill

GM
General Maintenance

GMC
Garage Man's Companion

HONDA
Had One Never Did Again
Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else.
Hated Old Noisy Damaged Auto

HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive?

MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment

SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back

TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW
Virtually Worthless

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die. . ."

A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bush's jumped the Game Warden !!

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden.

After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

"Lets see yer fishin license, Boy !!" the Warden gasped. With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

"Well, son", said the Game Warden, "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks !! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes Sir", replied the young feller, "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one"...

"Doctor, doctor!" shouted the woman coming into the doctors office. "I think I'm turning into a man."

Then the doctor says, "Now hold on little lady, what makes you think that you're turning into a man?"

"Well," said the woman, "I'm starting to grow hair on my chest."

And then the doctor asked, "Well then, how far down your chest is your hair growing?"

And then she replied, "All the way down to my dick."

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed.

"You're a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked.

"HA! You lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed, "MY ROLEX!"

An accordion is a bagpipe with pleats.

What is the definition of an optimist?
→ An accordion player with a pager.

What is the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
→ The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.

What do accordion players use as a contraceptive?
→ Their personalities.

What's the range of an accordion?
→ Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!

What's a gentleman?
→ Somebody who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't.

What's the difference between an onion and an accordion?
→ No-one cries when you chop up an accordion.

What's the difference between an accordion player and a terrorist?
→ Terrorists have sympathisers.

What's the definition of perfect pitch?
→ When an accordion is thrown down the toilet without it touching the sides.

What's the difference between an accordion and a concertina?
→ The accordion takes longer to burn.

How do you protect a valuable instrument?
→ Hide it in an accordion case.

What's an accordion good for?
→ Learning how to fold a map.

What's the difference between a chainsaw and an accordion?
→ A chainsaw can be tuned.

Why is it good that accordionists have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
→ So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.

There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in.

While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole! The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them!

The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."

State of Kentucky 12th Grade Reading Test

TEST #1
MR Ducks
MR Knot
SAR
CM Wangs
LIB
MR Ducks

TEST #2
MR Snakes
MR Knot
SAR
CM BDI's
LIB
MR Snakes

TEST #3
MR Farmers
MR Knot
SAR
CMMT Pockets
LIB
MR Farmers

TEST #4
MR Mice
MR Knot
SAR
CMEDBD Feet
LIB
MR Mice

A solider stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozen lesson & music books.

Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and thru the front door. "Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here... let me look at you... let me hold you ! Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I've missed your lovin' so much !"

The wife, keeping her distance, said, "All in good time lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica."

A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.

- You just won't believe what happened this evening, in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it.

- Oh yes dear, what happened?

- I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.

- Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them?

- Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off.