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Outside: We dont feel sorry for you blowing all those candles, what about us...

Inside: ... We had to stay up all night lighting them!

What does a blond and a turtle have in common?
→ When they lay on their backs they're screwed!

The Pope calls a meeting of all the cardinals. When they have all assembled at the Vatican, he takes them into the meeting hall and states, "I have some really fantastic news and some very terrible news." Of course, all the cardinals want to hear the good news first, so the Pope tells them, "Jesus Christ has returned to the world. The time of judgement is at hand, and our faith in his existence is justified."

After the commotion dies down a bit, one of the cardinals speaks up, asking what the terrible news is. The Pope replies, "He was calling from Salt Lake City."

10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.
11. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"
12. After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!"
13. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage".
14. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"
15. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.
16. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"
17. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.
18. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit in the chowder!"
19. Three words: eat the check.

A drunk goes into a bar sits down and says hey hey bartender can we talk about politics

The bartender says "IF THERE IS ONE THING WE DON'T TALK ABOUT IN HERE IT'S POLITICS". A little while later hey bartender can we talk about religon. Again the bartender says "IF THERE'S ONE THING WE DON'T TALK ABOUT IN HERE IT'S RELIGON". Then again we hear hey bartender can we talk about sex. The bartender says SURE. The drunk says good............fuck you!

Barty and Dunny met in a pub and discussed the illness of a friend named Hogan. "Poor Micheal Hogan! Faith, I'm afraid he's goin' to die." "Shure, an' why would he be dyin'?" asked the other. "Ah, he's gotten so thin. You're thin enough, and I'm thin -- but by my soul, Micheal Hogan is thinner than both of us put together."

Pat and Jimmy-Joe met and one said to the other, "Have ye seen Mulligan lately, Pat?" Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't." His friend asked, "Shure, and what d'ye mean by that?" Pat said, "It's like this, y'see... I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another...it was neither of us."

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

What's a transvestite's idea of a good time?
→ Eat, drink, and be Mary!