Most viewed jokes

What's the one thing worse than a male chauvinist pig?
→ A woman who won't do what she's told.

Charlie was in a bar and three babes came up and started hitting on him. He asked if they wanted to come over to his house later. They agreed to come over after they went home and got ready.

Charlie had a friend who worked in a drugstore, so he went to see him. He asked his friend if he had anything that would keep him hard all night long. The man laughed and handed him a bottle of pills instructing him not to take more than one.

Once at home, Charlie figured with three women he should take three pills, so he gulped them down.

The next day Charlie showed up at the drugstore to see his friend. Asking for some liniment, he showed him his dick which was ripped to shreds. In disbelief, his friend asked if he was sure that he wanted to put liniment on his dick.

Charlie replied:

- No, I need it for my arms, the women never showed up!

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.

- I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents - she said.

- What do you mean? - he asked.

- Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'

A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why. The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says:

- What's wrong with the coworker telling you your hair smells nice?

The woman replies:

- He's a midget.

What is a dog's favorite sport?
→ Formula 1 drooling!

What do you get if you take a really big dog out for a walk?
→ A Great Dane out!

Where does a Rottweiller sit in the cinema?
→ Anywhere it wants to!

What did the angry man sing when he found his slippers chewed up by the new puppy?
→ "I must throw that doggie out the window!"

What kind of dog does Dracula have?
→ A bloodhound!

Why did the dog wear white sneakers?
→ Because his boots were at the menders!

What is a dog's favorite food?
→ Anything that is on your plate!

What is the only kind of dog you can eat?
→ A hot dog!

What kind of dog sounds like you can eat it?
→ A sausage dog!

What do you do if your dog eats your pen?
→ Use a pencil instead!

The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.

- I've been waiting for you all day - the cop said.

The guy replied:

- Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

A trial had been scheduled in a small town, but the court clerk had forgotten to call in a jury panel. Rather than adjourning what he thought was an exceptionally simple case, the judge ordered his bailiff to go through the courthouse and round up enough people to form a jury. The bailiff returned with a group of lawyers.

The prosecutor felt that it would be an interesting experiment to try a case before a jury of lawyers, and the defense counsel had no objection, so a jury was impaneled. And the trial went very quickly -- after only an hour of testimony, and very short closing arguments, both sides rested. The jury was then instructed by the judge, and was sent back to the jury room to deliberate.

After nearly six hours, the trial court was concerned that the jury had not returned with a verdict. The case had in fact turned out to be every bit as simple as he had expected, and it seemed to him that they should have been back in minutes. He sent the bailiff to the jury room, to see if they needed anything.

The bailiff returned, and the judge asked:

- Are they close to reaching a verdict?

The bailiff shook his head, and replied:

- You're honor, they're still doing nomination speeches for the position of foreman.

A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, "I love my BMW, I love my BMW." Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled.

- My BMW! My BMW! - he sobbed.

A good Samaritan drove by and cried out:

- Sir, sir, you're bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!

The lawyer, horrified, screamed:

- My Rolex! My Rolex!

Well the King's daughter was into her mid twenties, and the king didn't want his princess to be an old maid.

The princess wasn't the most beautiful of women, and wasn't having any luck finding a suitable husband. The King finally decided to take matters into his own hand.

He had flyers printed up and posted all over the kingdom:

- who so ever wishes to marry the princess should appear at the castle at noon, the following Sunday.

Only three suitors arrived at the castle. The king decided to have a test to determine who would get his daughter's hand.

Each suitor would have to climb the castle wall, swim the moat, and then have sex with one of the castle's cows. The first suitor didn't even make it over the wall.

The second suitor made it over the wall, but couldn't swim the moat.

The third suitor, climbed the wall, swam the moat, fucked the cow, and wasn't even tired.

The king went up to him, and said:

- Congratulations, you are the only one worthy enough to marry my daughter.

And the suitor replied:

- Forget your daughter, I want your cow!

Why did the pervert cross the road?
→ He was stuck to the chicken.