Most viewed jokes

How do crazy people get through the forest?
→ They take the psycho path.

- It's for my mother-in-law - explained the mourner at the funeral procession. Tightening the leash, he gestured down at the dog and said:

- My Doberman here killed her.

- Gee... That's terrible - commiserated the spectator.

- But... Hmmmm... Is there any way you might lend me your dog for a day or so?

The bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder and answered:

- Get in line.

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New Simplified Tax Form for 2000 Taxes

1. How much money did you make in 2000?
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A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

- Look at their reserve, their calm - muses the Brit.

- They must be British.

- Nonsense - the Frenchman disagrees.

- They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.

- No clothes, no shelter - the Russian points out.

- they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian.

10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.
11. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
12. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
13. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
14. You can focus better with one eye closed.
15. You fall off the floor.
16. The whole bar greets you when you come in.
17. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.
18. Roseanne looks good.
19. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.
20. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.

How many Los Angeles police officers does it take to beat up a black motorist?
→ None. He fell down the stairs.

Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. Suddenly Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the side and onto the field. The stunned umpire shouted, "No, Mr. President! I said, Throw the first PITCH!"

What's the one thing worse than a male chauvinist pig?
→ A woman who won't do what she's told.

Charlie was in a bar and three babes came up and started hitting on him. He asked if they wanted to come over to his house later. They agreed to come over after they went home and got ready.

Charlie had a friend who worked in a drugstore, so he went to see him. He asked his friend if he had anything that would keep him hard all night long. The man laughed and handed him a bottle of pills instructing him not to take more than one.

Once at home, Charlie figured with three women he should take three pills, so he gulped them down.

The next day Charlie showed up at the drugstore to see his friend. Asking for some liniment, he showed him his dick which was ripped to shreds. In disbelief, his friend asked if he was sure that he wanted to put liniment on his dick.

Charlie replied:

- No, I need it for my arms, the women never showed up!

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.

- I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents - she said.

- What do you mean? - he asked.

- Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'