Most viewed jokes

A guy walks into a bar ... once inside, he realizes it's a gay bar, but he decides, "What the heck, I really want a drink." So he sits down at the bar, and the gay bartender says to him, "What's the name of your penis?" The guy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink." The gay bartender says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis." So the guy looks at the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The man to left, with a smile, looks back and says, "TIMEX." The guy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!" A little shaken, the guy turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity margarita, "So, what do you call your penis?" The man to his right turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because quality is Job 1", he then ads, "Have you driven a Ford lately?" Even more shaken, the guy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me my beer." The bartender begins to pour the guy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?" The guy says, "because it's strong enough for a man but made for a woman!"

New scientific theoriesHONORABLE MENTION: The quantity of consonants in the Englishlanguage is absolutely constant. If consonants are omitted in onegeographic area, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks"his "cah", the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh"his car and invest in "erl wells."

Two teens had been lovers for a few weeks, but the boy was always after the girl to quit smoking. One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said:

- You really ought to quit.

She, getting tired of his nagging, said:

- I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex.

He replied:

- But they stunt your growth. She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he had never.

Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said:

- So, what's your excuse then?

Judi went to a "Dude Ranch" on vacation. The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle.

Judi asked what the difference was.

"Well, one has a horn and the other doesn't."

"Just get the one without the horn. I don't think we'll run into too much traffic out here."

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said:

- OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three... You only get one wish!

The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said:

- I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?

The genie laughed and said:

- That's impossible!!! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete -- how much steel!! No, think of another wish.

The man said:

- OK, I will try to think of a really good wish.

Finally, he said:

- I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say "nothing," know how to make them truly happy.

The genie said:

- Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?

What is the maggot army called?
→ The Apple Corps!

How do you hire an elephant?
→ Stand it on four bricks!

What is the easy way to get a wild elephant?
→ Get a tame one and annoy it!

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming?
→ Here come the elephants!

Why is an elephant braver than a hen?
→ Because the elephant isn't chicken!

What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
→ Raining elephants!

How are elephants and hippopotanuses alike?
→ Neither can play basketball!

How do you stop an angry elephant from charging?
→ Take away it's credit cards!

What did the baby elephant get when the daddy elephant sneezed?
→ Out of the way!

How do you raise a baby elephant?
→ With a fork lift truck!

What's the best way to see a charging herd of elephants?
→ On television!

Three Marines were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.

The first Marine said:

- those are deer tracks.

The second Marine said:

- No, those are elk tracks.

The third Marine said:

- You're both wrong, those are moose tracks.

The Marines were still arguing when the train hit them.

A traveling salesman's car breaks down, and he walks over to a near by farm. He knocks on the door and the farmer appears. "Excuse me sir, but my car broke down about a mile down the road, and I was wondering if you had a place I could stay, just until morning, and I....." The farmer says, "Well, I can let you sleep in the barn, but you'll have to sleep with my two sons...." The salesman says, "Sons! I must be in the wrong joke!"

This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.

His wife said:

- Where are you going?

He said:

- I'm going to the doctor.

And she said:

- Why? Are you sick?

- No - he said.

- I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.

So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said:

- Where are you going?

She said:

- I'm going to the doctor too.

He said:

- Why?

She said:

- If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot.