Most viewed jokes

This hillbilly is traveling across Texas when a state policeman pulls him over.

- You got any I.D.? - the patrolman asked.

- 'Bout what? - the hillbilly replied.

Little Tommy is at the zoo on a school visit and he spots a deer. Being a city kid he's never seen one before and so he asks his teacher:

- What's that, Miss?

Miss decides to play a word game with him and says:

- That's what your Daddy calls Mummy, Tommy.

Tommy thinks for a moment and then says:

- I'm not stupid Miss, I know that ain't a fucking pig!

These two guys had just gotten divorces and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him:

- Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year.

The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole. The guys said:

- What's that board for?

The trader said:

- Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this.

They said:

- No way! We've sworn off women for life!

The trader said:

- Well. take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year.

- Okay - they said and left.

Next year this guy came into the trader's store and said:

- Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year.

The trader said:

- Weren't you in here last year with a partner?

- Yeah - said the guy.

- Where is he? - asked the trader.

- I shot him - said the guy.

- Why?

- I caught him in bed with my board.

A young girl goes to the gynecologist and he examines her.

He says:

- You have acute vaginitis.

She says:

- Thank you.

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice:

- Father - he said - I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage.

His father replied:

- Don't you love this girl?

- Oh yes, very much - he said - but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them.

- No problem - said dad - all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed. Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom.

- Mom - she said - When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful.

- Honey - her mother consoled - everyone has bad breath in the morning.

- No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me.

Her mother said simply:

- Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth.

- I shouldn't say good morning or anything? - the daughter asked.

- Not a word - her mother affirmed.

- Well, it's certainly worth a try - she thought.

The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks:

- What on earth are you doing?

- Oh, my - he replies - you've swallowed my sock!

Little Johnny sat playing in the garden. When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm. She turned pale:

- No, Johnny! Stop! That's horrible! You can't eat worms!

Trying to convince him further:

- Now the mother worm is looking all over for her nice baby-worm.

- No, she isn't - said Johnny.

- Why not?

- Because I ate her first!

Yo mama so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs.
Yo mama so lazy she's got a remote control just to operate her remote!
Yo mama so lazy that she came in last place in a recent snail marathon.

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner:

- What are you charged with?

- Doing my Christmas shopping early - replied the defendant.

- That's no offense - said the judge.

- How early were you doing this shopping?

- Before the store opened.

In October 1993, in Iran, where celebratory gunfire is traditional at weddings, a guest named Rasool lost control of his automatic weapon at a wedding in the Lorestan province, accidentally killing six people and wounding fourteen of them.

I think I'll stick to the tradition of throwing rice--it seems much less dangerous.

What is a cow's favorite TV show?
→ Dr Moo!

Why was the farmer hopping mad?
→ Because someone had trodden on his corn!

What would happen if bulls could fly?
→ You would have to carry an umbrella all the time and beef would go up!

What do you get if a sheep walks under a cloud?
→ A sheep that's under the weather!

Why do cows like being told jokes?
→ Because they like being amoosed!

What goes 'peck, bang, peck, bang, peck, bang'?
→ A bunch of chickens in a field full of balloons!

What do you get if you cross a pile of mud with a pig?
→ A groundhog!

How do you take a pig to hospital?
→ By hambulance!

What do you call a joke book for chickens?
→ A yolk book!