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An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex again -- the strain would be too much. The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation. This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs -- she's coming downstairs, he's heading up. "Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering. "I was about to commit suicide." "I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "Because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"

One day an older fella was in for a checkup.

After his examination, his doctor was amazed.

- Holy cow! Mr. Edwards, I must say that you are in the greatest shape of any 64 year old I have ever examined!

- Did I say I was 64?

- Well, no, did I read your chart wrong?

- Damn straight you did! I'm 85!

- 85!! Unbelievable! You would be in great shape if you were 25! How old was your father when he died?

- Did I say he was dead?

- You mean...

- Damn straight! He's 106 and going strong!

- My Lord! What a healthy family you must come from! How long did your grandfather live?

- Did I say he was dead?

- No! You can't mean...

- Damn straight! He's 126, and getting married next week!

- 126! Truly amazing, Mr. Edwards. But gee, I wouldn't think a man would want to get married at that age!

- Did I say he 'wanted' to get married?...

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and....'"

Did you hear about the guy who died of Viagra overdose?
→ They couldn't close his casket.

It seems that Abe and Morey, two salesmen for an advertising agency, were traveling together through the midwest, when they were caught between towns during a driving snow storm.

The further they went, the worse conditions got, and they finally slid off into a ditch. Fortunately there was a house quite nearby.

They waded through the drifts to the house, and after a short conversation with the lady who answered the door, they were able to convince her that they were no danger to her, and she let them come in.

She prepared a meal for them, and during the conversation Abe and Morey learned that she was a widow of a few years standing.

Conditions continued to deteriorate, and she prepared the guest room for Abe and Morey.

The next day about 10:00 AM, a snowplow came through and helpfully pulled the salesmen's car our of the ditch, after cleaning the road.

Abe and Morey thanked th widow Brown and went on their rounds.

Nine months later, Abe called Morey, and asked if Morey had, by some chance, happened to have drifted down the hall to the wodow Brown's bedroom after he (Abe) had gone to sleep. After a little hemming and hawing, Morey admitted he had. With a little further prodding, he admitted that he had given the good lady Abe's name, address and phone number as his own.

Where upon Abe said:

- That explains this letter from her lawyer saying she has left her entire estate to me!

- Sister Ann, aren't you putting on a little weight? - inquired Father Dan during his visit to the convent, suspiciously eyeing her bulging stomach.

- Why, no Father - answered the nun demurely - It's just a little gas.

A few months later Father Dan put the same question to the nun noticing her habit barely fit across her belly.

- Oh, just a bit of gas - said sister Ann, blushing a bit.

On his next visit Father Dan was walking down the corridor when he passed Sister Ann wheeling a baby carriage. Looking in, the priest observed:

- Cute little Fart!

Lord,
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people
I had to kill today because they pissed me off.

And, help me to be careful
Of the toes I step on today as they
May be connected to the ass
That I might have to kiss tomorrow.

Amen.

Yo mama hair so short when she braided it they looked like stiches.
Yo mama hair so short she curls it with rice.

An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.

- As I'm sure you can understand - she started off with one of the first applicants, in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question. She leaned forward.

- Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?

- Honest? - replied the job prospect. Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.

- Impressive. And what sort of case was that?

He squirmed in his seat and admitted:

- My dad sued me for the money.

A guy walks into a bar ... once inside, he realizes it's a gay bar, but he decides, "What the heck, I really want a drink." So he sits down at the bar, and the gay bartender says to him, "What's the name of your penis?" The guy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink." The gay bartender says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis." So the guy looks at the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The man to left, with a smile, looks back and says, "TIMEX." The guy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!" A little shaken, the guy turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity margarita, "So, what do you call your penis?" The man to his right turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because quality is Job 1", he then ads, "Have you driven a Ford lately?" Even more shaken, the guy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me my beer." The bartender begins to pour the guy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?" The guy says, "because it's strong enough for a man but made for a woman!"