Most viewed jokes

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.

- I'm not getting out of bed at this time - he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

- Aren't you going to answer that? - says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

- Hi there - slurs the stranger.

- Can you give me a push??

- No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed - says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says:

- Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??

- But the guy was drunk - says the husband.

- It doesn't matter - says the wife.

- He needs our help and it would be the right thing to do.

So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts:

- Hey, do you still want a push??

and he hears a voice cry out:

- Yeah please.

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts:

- Where are you?

And the stranger replies:

- I'm over here, on your swing.

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?" The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden.

The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?" The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license.

The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?" The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license.

The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?" Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license.

The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?" The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said "You're so smart, YOU tell ME!"

Did you hear about the guy who got his vasectomy done at Sears?
→ Every time he gets a hard-on, the garage door goes up.

Top Baseball Player Demands
From Late Show with David Letterman; Friday, August 12, 1994

[In case anyone has od'ed on O.J. Simpson coverage or for those who might for some reason not know, the major league baseball player strike began today.]

- No team flights on Continental Airlines.

- Goodbye boring baseball hats, hello festive sombreros.

- Make it legal to cork their pants.

- Baseballs with delicious chocolate centers.

- No more reports from that old guy up at Woodstock. [In reference to the live reports tonight from Calvert]

- Two words: Streisand tickets.

- Every team has to have at least one player named "Mookie".

- Plenty of dugout Slimfast.

- Put an on-deck circle in Madonna's bed.

- More games against the Mets.

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked:

- Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said:

- It's my dog. Why?

- Well, - squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, - I believe my dog just killed it, sir.

- What? - roared the big man in disbelief.

- What in the hell kind of dog do you have?

- Sir, - answered the little man, - It's a four week old puppy.

- Bull! - roared the biker, - How could your puppy kill my Doberman?

- It appears that he choked on it, sir.

Your lifetime goal is to own your own fireworks stand.

Your ornaments would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to monitor your tree for reasons of national security.

While driving along the back roads of a small town, two truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3.

They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4.

- What do you think? - one asked the other.

The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"

A fellow dies, goes to hell, and is surprised when confronted by a room full of beautiful blondes and kegs of beer. He asks a nearby demon if this is really hell, and what was so bad about the place.

- Well, - said the demon.

- the kegs all have holes in the bottoms, and the blondes don't!

BREAKFAST

- 1/2 grapefruit

- 1 slice whole wheat toast

- 8 oz glass skim milk

LUNCH

- 4 oz lean broiled chicken breast

- 1 cup steamed zucchini

- 1 Oreo cookie

MID-AFTERNOON SNACK

- rest of the package of Oreo cookies

- 1 quart Rocky Road ice cream

- 1 jar hot fudge

DINNER

- 2 loaves garlic bread

- 1 large pepperoni & mushroom pizza

- 1 large pitcher of beer

- 3 Milky Way candy bars

- 1 entire cheesecake

DIET TIPS

1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out.
3. When eating with someone else, calories dont count if you both eat the same amount.
4. Foods used for medicinal purpose have no calories. These include any chocolate used for energy, brandy, cheesecake, and ice cream.
5. Cookie pieces contain no calories, because breakage causes the calories to leak out.
6. If you eat food from someone else's plate, the calories don't count.
7. Movie related snacks are much lower in calories because they are part of the entertainment, and not ones of personal fuel.