Most viewed jokes

What do you call a 300 pound woman in Minnesota?

Anorexic

How do you change a blonde's mind?
→ Buy her another beer.

OLD KIDS never die, they just grow up
OLD KNIGHTS IN CHAIN MAIL never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils
OLD LASER PHYSICISTS never die, they just become incoherent
OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their appeal
OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their briefs
OLD LIBRARIANS never die, their computers have Fatal Errors
OLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just check out
OLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just get re-shelved
OLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just lose their references
OLD LIGHT BULBS never die, they just blink out
OLD LIMBO DANCERS never die, they just go under
OLD LINGUISTS never die, they just rearrange their deep structures
OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just disappear
OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just float away
OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just make a big production of it

A violist and a cellist were standing on a sinking ship together.

- Help! - cried the cellist.

- I can't swim!

- Don't worry - said the violist.

- Just fake it.

How do you know that owls are cleverer than chickens?
→ Have you ever heard of Kentucky-fried owl!

Which birds steal soap from the bath?
→ Robber ducks!

What kind of bird opens doors?
→ A kiwi!

What language do birds speak?
→ Pigeon English!

How do you get a parrot to talk properly?
→ Send him to polytechnic!

Where do birds invest their money?
→ In the stork market!

Where do blind sparrows go for treatment?
→ The Birds Eye counter!

What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
→ A bird that talks in morse code!

What do you call a woodpecker with no beak?
→ A headbanger!

What is the thinnest book in the world?
→ What men know about women!

Top economist Valentine's Day cards:

4. You raise my interest rate thirty basis points without a corresponding dropoff in consumer enthusiasm.
5. Let's raise housing starts together.
6. You stoke the animal spirits of my market.
7. Despite your decade of inflation, I still love you.

At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought:

- Why not call him up?

He calls up the lawyer.

- Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?

The lawyer responds:

- A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?

The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says:

- Well, no sir, I'm...

- Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!

The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point.

- I'm terribly sorry...

- Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?

The worker is completely humiliated at this point.

- I am sorry sir, please forgive me...

- The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!

One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender:

- Drinks for all on me including you, bartender.

So the bartender follows the mans orders and says:

- That will be $36.50 please.

The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender.

- What, no drink for me? - replies the bartender.

- Oh, no. You get violent when you drink.

Save the Yeasts EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD IS BAKED, APPROXIMATELY 150,000,000 YEASTS ARE KILLED. Come to the award-winning 1987 film, "The Very Small and Quiet Screams" -- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked.

"A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't." +------------------------------------+ | Evening showing in Johnson & Wales | | Pirsig Auditorium: 7PM, 4/19 | +------------------------------------+============================================================================ SPONSORED BY Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC) Student Bakers for Social Responsibility Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL) Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters============================================================================ Defend all life: 'from greatest to least, from human to yeast!" This poster printed on 100% yeast-free paper.