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"I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance ... she leaned over and pushed me."

A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door.

- An' wot's this then? - he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins.

- You dumb dog.

As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket.

The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day.

The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb.

- Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who'll know?

Again, the dog growls menacingly. "Alright, alright," as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket.

The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home. The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog's owner screams at the dog.

- Hey, what are you doing? That's a really smart dog you've got there - comments the butcher.

- He's a stupid dog--that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key.

A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.

- Black pepper, or white pepper? - asked the concierge.

- Toilette pepper!

With the sun beginning to rise, the cabin of the jetliner was suddenly illuminated.

- Who turned on the fucking lights? - a male passenger, who had been surly since boarding, snarled at a stewardess.

The girl had had enough of this particular character.

- These are the breakfast lights, sir - she answered with forced sweetness.

- The fucking lights are much dimmer, and you snored right through them.

One day Pablo and Paco are riding through the desert on their horses. As they ride along, Pablo smells something horrible. He stops his horse and turns around. He says:

- Hey Paco, you shit your pants?

Paco says:

- No, Pablo, I did not shit my pants.

He believes him and they keep riding.

As they go on, the smell gets worse. The smell is so bad, flys begin to swarm. Pablo stops his horse and turns around. He then says:

- Paco, Are you sure you did not shit your pants?

Paco says:

- Yes Pablo, I am sure I did not shit my pants.

He says:

- Ok.

They keep going and now the smell is getting to be unbearable. Pablo is swatting the flys away. Pablo stops his horse and gets of his horse. He then says:

- Paco, get of your horse. Paco, pull down your pants. Paco, I thought you said you did not shit your pants?

Paco replies:

- I thought you meant today!

Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser-known Hussein family members are coming to the attention of American authorities.

Among the brothers:

- Sooflay ... the restauranteur

- Guday ... the half-Australian brother

- Huray ... the sports fanatic

- Bejay ... the gay brother

- Kuntay & Kintay ... the twins from the African mother

- Sayhay ... the baseball player

- Ojay ... the stalker / murderer

- Gulay ... the singer / entertainer

- Ebay ... the internet czar

- Biliray ... the country music star

- Ecksray ... the radiologist

- Puray ... the blender factory owner

- Tupay ... the one with bad hair

Among the sisters:

- Pusay ... the 'loose' 22 yr old

- Lattay ... the coffee shop owner

- Bufay ... the 300 pound sister

- Dushay ... the clean sister

- Phayray ... the zoo worker in the gorilla house

- Sapheway ... the grocery store owner

- Ollay ... the half-mexican sister

- Gudlay ... the prostitute

More will, no doubt, be discovered...including A.A. Sidday, Oz weekend TV Host.

Did you hear the one about the guy who had five penises?
→ He had a pair of underpants that fitted him like a glove.....

The first engineer calls out to the other:

- Hey--Nice bike! Where did you get it?

- Well - replies the other.

- I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'you can have ANYTHING you want!'

- Good choice - says the first guy.

- her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway.

Two men are talking. The first sez:

- I got married because I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry and wearing shabby clothes.

"Amazing," said the second, "I just got divorced for the very same reasons."

What are the five reasons for not wanting to be an egg?

1. You only get laid once.
2. You only get eaten once.
3. It takes you seven min. to get hard in boiling water.
4. You have to come in a box with 11 other guys.
5. The only one that ever sits on your face is your mother.