At a concert hall one night, the stage manager comes across an oboe player and a viola player having a fight.
He breaks the fight up and asks what the fight was about.
The oboe player says:
- He broke my reed! I was just about to play my big solo when he broke my reed!
- Well? - says the stage manager to the viola player.
- What do you say to that?
In umbrage, the viola player replies:
- He undid two of my strings but he won't tell me which ones!
A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.
He stopped the car and asked:
- Why, Irish Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?
- That it is - Irish Mike replied grimly.
- ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball.
- You mean you pinched his honor? - asked Pat.
- How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume? - demanded Mike.
- Well - mused Pat.
- there's a lesson in this somewhere.
- That there is - replied Irish Mike.
- 'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover.
Economics is ruining your life when...
- I tried to calculate my 3 year old son's discount rate by seeing how many sweets he would require to be promised to him after dinner to be equivalent to one sweet before dinner
- I spent one hour in a toy shop making up over 20 bundles of toys that could be purchased for $25 and then asked my son to select one of these bundles
Teaching The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member). A smart-ass student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?" The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."
How do you know when a blonde has been working on your computer?
→ There's white out on the screen and lipstick on the joystick!
It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.
- And just where have you been until this hour? - demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.
- Down at the office, - he replied, working like a dog.
SIX DIE TRYING TO SAVE CHICKEN - August 1, 1995
CAIRO, Egypt (AP) - Six people drowned yesterday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said. His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also drowned. Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they apparently were pulled down by the same undercurrent. The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. It survived.
Shift to the left, shift to the right!
Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!
The following is supposedly a true story.
An economist was about to give a presentation in Washington, DC on the problems with Black-Scholes model of option pricing and was expecting no more than a dozen of government officials attending.
To his amazement, when he arrived, the room was packed with edgy, tough-looking guys in shades. Still, after five or so minutes into the presentation all of them stood up and left without a word.
The economist found out only later that his secretary ran the presentation through a spell-checker and what was "The Problem with Black-Scholes" became "The Problem with Black Schools".
Letterman's Top Ten Signs You're Doing Business With The Wrong Bank:
