What are the five reasons for not wanting to be an egg?
- Jones: The chinese make it an invariable rule to settle all their debts on New Year's Day.
- Smith: So I understand, but, then again, the Chinese don't have a Christmas the week before!
We're over the hill but don't feel sad
This side of the hill ain't all that bad.
So give us "five" and then a smile
To us who have been here for awhile.
With by-pass pain and mended hip
And plumbing fixtures prone to drip;
We all may seem a sorry lot,
But we rejoice for what we've got.
We have each day and what it brings
And on our pensions live like kings.
For the press that accuses what we take
To coin a phrase, "Let them eat cake."
We've paid our share for unused knowledge
As the kids are now all done with college.
We complain to them about our health
As they worry about our dwindling wealth.
And though our wardrobes may be plain
We'll suffer no more labor or pain.
Now it's with cane we do our strut
And if we can't drive - we still can putt.
We're mean and tough, meet all demands,
Why, M&M's melt in our hands.
Yes, we're still here, and it does delight us
That you join our fight against arthritis.
But we ask you make a pledge today
That you'll be careful what you say.
We have to spread "Over the Hill" fear
Or we'll have those young folks over here.
Prove that the crocodile is longer than it is wide.
Lemma 1. The crocodile is longer than it is green: Let's look at the crocodile. It is long on the top and on the bottom, but it is green only on the top. Therefore, the crocodile is longer than it is green.
Lemma 2. The crocodile is greener than it is wide: Let's look at the crocodile. It is green along its length and width, but it is wide only along its width. Therefore, the crocodile is greener than it is wide.
From Lemma 1 and Lemma 2 we conclude that the crocodile is longer than it is wide.
- When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least.
- You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat that makes me look that old.
- Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?
- Larry: Shhh, doctor! There are three dogs outside in the waiting room!
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger:
- Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!
- So? - asked the ducks former owner - did you remember to light the candle under the pot?
Joe still enjoyed chasing girls when he got to be 70.
When his wife was asked if she minded, she answered:
- Why should I be upset? Dogs chase cars, but they can't drive.
What's sicker than sick?
→ Masturbating with your grandma's ashes under your foreskin....
- After shooting the blank gun to end the half, the Dallas Cowboy players start shooting back with live ammunition.
- Calling "heads or tails" but never getting any. . . "head" or "tail".
- Players get "the wave". . . refs get "the finger".
- Anyone who makes a call against the Detroit Lions risks pissing off their last remaining fan.
- With Reggie White retired, the penalty for "Illegal use of a racial slur" is meaningless.
- Just when we thought it was safe to be an NFL Ref, we have to go back to frickin' CLEVELAND!!!
- Thanks to instant replay, picking nose during a game is twice as risky.
- Everyone else gets to wear their Autumn colors, but for me it's black and white week after week after week!
- Don King only bribes boxing judges.
- Official rule books not made in Braille.
- I'm the one that everybody wants to kill, so where's MY helmet and pads?!
