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Yo mama nose so big she makes Pinochio look like a cat!
Yo mama nose so big that her neck broke from the weight!

A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years, but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage much less living together.

But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone:

- June.

- Yes, this is June.

- Will you marry me?

- Of course I will! Who's this?

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back.

The sentry said:

- Halt, who goes there?

The chauffeur, a corporal, says:

- General Wheeler.

- I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield.

The general said:

- Drive on!

The sentry said:

- Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker.

The general repeated:

- I'm telling you, son, drive on!

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said:

- General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

- You can't get out of your room? - the captain asked.

- Why not?

The stewardess replied:

- There are only three doors in here - she cried.

- one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!

A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. Was it true, the woman wanted to know, that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest of her life?

She was told that it was.

There was a moment of silence before the woman continued:

- I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'

As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends.

Friends

• A friend is someone who is always at your side,
• A friend is someone who likes you even though you smell like a wet dog,
• A friend is someone who likes you even though you're disgustingly ugly,
• A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself,
• A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your loser life,
• A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by a mad goat and then thrown to vicious dogs,
• A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet and vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak much English no, sorry that's the cleaning lady,

Now pass this on! If you don't, Satan will send dogs in heat to your room in your sleep!!

There. Now that we've covered and dumped on the four main types of chain letters, onto the ironic part. In order for this to get any popularity, send it on!!! If you don't think it was funny at all, don't bother, but otherwise forward this sucker to everyone you know!! If you don't, I don't care. Thanks!

Remember, the moral of the story is, if you get a chain letter, ignore it.

TRASH IT!!! If it's a joke or something, send it, sure! Just don't forget to delete the chain letter part. But if it's gonna make people feel guilty (i.e. the willieless boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen) or nervous (i.e. Miranda Pinsley who ended up in a waterfall of poop), just DELETE it.

Do yourself a favor, and everyone else in the world, and say NO!!! to BLOODY CHAIN LETTERS!! Thank you.

How do you get a blonde's eyes to sparkle?
→ Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Mrs. Ryan, a mean looking woman, claimed her husband was not thoughtful. In this she was wrong; her husband thought about her too much. One morning on his way to work, he thought about her so much that he got off the subway at 34th Street and went to the Greyhound Terminal and took a bus to Yuma, Arizona.

OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just get played out
OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just go from bar to bar
OLD NUCLEAR POWER PLANTS never die, they just go off-line
OLD NUMERICAL ANALYSTS never die, they just get disarrayed
OLD OWLS never die, they just don't give a hoot
OLD PACIFISTS never die, they just go to peaces
OLD PARADOXES never die, they just become enigmas
OLD PHOTOGRAPHERS never die, they get sent to the old focus home
OLD PHOTOGRAPHERS never die, they just stop developing
OLD PILOTS never die, they just buzz off
OLD PILOTS never die, they just go to a higher plane
OLD PLANETS never die, they just lose their attraction
OLD PLASTIC never dies, they just recycle it
OLD PLUMBERS never die, they just go down the drain
OLD POLICEMEN never die, they just cop out

Two English sheep in a field.

One says to the other:

- I'm not feeling very well

The other turns around and replies:

- Shut-the-f*ck-up, or you'll get us all killed