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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom:

- Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!

Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said:

- Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!

A passenger in Coach said:

- That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!

There was a little old man who had a bit of a speech impediment.

One day he went shopping, his first stop was at a hardware store.

He went up to the shop assistant and asked:

- Could I have a fucket please?

The assistant asked:

- Pardon sir?

- Can I have a fucket please? - Replied the man.

- Oh you mean a bucket! - The shop assistant replied.

The old man said:

- Yes, that's what I said.

So the man paid for his bucket and went into the antique shop. In the antique shop he went to the cashier and asked:

- Can I have a cock please?

The cashier looked very puzzled and asked:

- Pardon?

The man again asked:

- Can I have a cock please?

The cashier replied:

- Oh you mean a clock! - yes certainly sir.

So he paid for the clock and walked out of the shop. The next stop was to the bakers. He went to the assistant and asked:

- Can I have a bum please?

The assistant said:

- Sorry sir what did you say?

So he repeated himself:

- Can I have a bum please?

The assistant said:

- Oh right, you mean a bun!

The old man said:

- Yes that's what I said in the first place.

So the man bought a bun and walked out of the shop. As he was walking down the street a little old lady came up to him and asked:

- Excuse me sir, but do you know the time?

The man replied:

- Yes certainly, hold my bum and fucket while I get my cock out.

Seminars for Men

- COURSE 001 Combating Stupidity

- COURSE 002 You Too Can Do Housework

- COURSE 003 PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut

- COURSE 004 How To Fill An Ice Tray

- COURSE 005 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas

- COURSE 006 Wonderful Laundry Techniques (Formerly - Don't Wash My Silks)

- COURSE 007 Understanding The Female Response To Your Coming Home At 4 AM

- COURSE 008 Parenting: It Doesn't End With Conception

- COURSE 009 Get A Life: Learn To Cook

- COURSE 010 How Not To Act Like An Asshole When You Are Obviously Wrong

- COURSE 011 Understanding Your Incompetence

- COURSE 012 YOU: The Weaker Sex

- COURSE 013 Reasons To Give Flowers

- COURSE 014 How To Stay Awake After Sex

- COURSE 015 SEX 101: You CAN Fall Asleep Without It If You Really Try

- COURSE 016 SEX 102: Morning Dilemma - If IT's Awake, Take A Shower

- COURSE 017 How To Put The Toilet Seat Down

- COURSE 018 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency

- COURSE 019 How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children

- COURSE 020 You Too Can Be A Designated Driver

- COURSE 021 Honest - You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson - Especially Naked

- COURSE 022 The Obtainable Goal: Omitting $@? From Your Vocabulary

- COURSE 023 Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary

- COURSE 024 Patronizing Does Not Work

- COURSE 025 Motel 6 Doesn't Always Keep The Light On

- Course 026 Real Men Ask For Directions

FOR COUNSELING CALL 1-CHA-UVI-NIST

One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said:

- Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us.

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction.

- Let's call the boys Towards and Away - suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons:

- Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea.

They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage. The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband.

- My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys? - she cried.

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:

- We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again.

- Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been! What a horrible fish. What a horrible fish.

- Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away....

Digger Phelps' Words of Wisdom
From the NCAA Tournament:

- Basketball is a game of two halves.

- We have to remember that whoever scores the most points by the end wins.

- You're either a good team or a bad team, and they played somewhere in the middle.

- He's like all great players -- not great yet.

- You don't score 86 points without being able to shoot.

Did you hear that Princess Di was on the radio a couple of weeks ago?
→ Yep, and on the dashboard, and on the window, and on the hood....

An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to get rid of a large supply of garbage from his recent stay at an apartment. After a long search, he just couldn't find any place to discard of it. So, he just went down one of the side streets to dump it there.

Yet, he was stopped by a Moscow police officer, who said:

- Hey you, what are you doing?

- I have to throw this away - replied the tourist.

- You can't throw it away here. Look, follow me - the policeman offered.

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges.

- Here - said the cop.

- dump all the garbage you want.

The American shrugs, opens up the large bags of garbage, and dumps them right on the flowers.

- Thanks for giving me a place to dump this stuff. This is very nice of you. Is this Russian courtesy? - asked the tourist.

- No. This is the American Embassy.

An econometrician and an astrologer are arguing about their subjects.

The astrologer says:

- Astrology is more scientific. My predictions come out right half the time. Yours can't even reach that proportion.

The econometrician replies:

- That's because of external shocks. Stars don't have those.

The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged and filed suit. Yet, the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.

1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.
2. Lawyers breed faster and are in much greater supply.
3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.
4. There are some things even a rat won't do.

The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.