This guy is walking with his friend, who happens to be a psychologist. He says to this friend:
- I'm a walking economy.
The friend asks:
- How so?
- My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!
A pollster was taking opinions outside the United Nations building in New York City. He approached four men waiting to cross the street: a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a resident New Yorker. He asked, "Excuse me, I would like to ask you your opinion on the current meat shortage?" The Saudi replied, "Excuse me, but what is a shortage?" The Russian said, "Excuse me, but what is meat?" The North Korean replied, "Excuse me, but what is an opinion?" The New Yorker replied, "Excuse me, but what is 'excuse me?'"
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Four. Actually, only one to screw it in.
The other 3 are there to listen to him brag about the screwing part!
A girl goes to the doctor. She says:
- Doc, I'm freakin' out...
- I'm freakin' out...my pee's coming out in four streams.
He says:
- Get up on the table and I'll see what I can do.
She gets up on the table, and as he's examining her, he starts to giggle.
She says:
- It's not funny. My pee's coming out in four streams.
He says:
- It won't anymore. I took the trouser button out of there.
These two sperm were swimmin' around, doin' their thing, and one sperm asks the other...
- Hey, are we almost there??? Is this the fallopian tube???
- Naaaa, this is still the esophagus.
I have this friend who has a real dilemma. His wife won't give him a divorce until she figures out a way of doing it without making him a happy man.
Yo' mama so stupid, she thinks a quarterback is a refund!
Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was sentenced to four years in jail.
What do you get if you cross a dog and a cheetah?
→ A dog that chases cars - and catches them!
What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
→ You can step in a poodle!
What sort of clothes does a pet dog wear?
→ A petticoat!
What do you get if you cross a dog and a lion?
→ A terrified postman!
What happened to the dog that ate nothing but garlic?
→ His bark was much worse than it's bite!
What is a dogs favorite flower?
→ Anything in your garden!
What dog wears contact lenses?
→ A cock-eyed spaniel!
What's a dog favorite hobby?
→ Collecting fleas!
What did the hungry Dalmatian say when he had a meal?
→ That hit the spots!
What do you get if you cross a Rottweiller and a hyena?
→ I don't know but I'll join in if it laughs!
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying:
- you do God's work.
The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying:
- you protect the public.
The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying:
- you serve the justice system.
The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.
