A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says:
- I'm Jesus Christ.
The first priest says:
- No, son, I'm Jesus Christ.
So the drunk says it to the second priest.
The second priest replies:
- No, son, I'm Jesus Christ.
The drunk says:
- Look, I can prove it. and walks back into the bar with the priests.
The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims:
- Jesus Christ, you're here again?
One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. He deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.
The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he keeps being paged by "Lucille." He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.
- She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back - he said.
After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number.
- She leaves her name - was the reply.
After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on.
- How does she spell her name? - the service rep asked.
- L-O-W C-E-L-L
Another problem solved.
Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?" The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."
The Ontario Press Council dismissed a complaint filed by Allan Sorensen against the Toronto Sun, which had reported that Sorenson had choked his ex-girlfriend.
Sorensen's complaint was that his reputation was damaged because the Sun engaged in "speculation" that he had used only one hand to choke her (the other being forced into her mouth). In fact, he said he used both hands.
- Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
- Soldier: Sure, buddy.
- Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?
- Soldier: No, SIR!
How do you get four old ladies to say the F word?
→ Have the fifth one say.... BINGO!
A Ken and Barbie Joke: Why does Barbie never get pregnant?
→ Because Ken always comes in a box!
In a deal engineered by veteran mouthpieces Stein and Cacheris, Ms. Lewinsky has apparently headed off possible perjury charges by offering a full throated confession to Kenneth Starr. Sources close to the investigation report Starr is pumping Ms. Lewinsky for details concerning an oral pact with Mr. Clinton to withhold evidence. Although the independent prosecutor's team will drill Monica prior to her testimony, beltway observers do not anticipate a full dress rehearsal.
A youngster devoted an entire rainy indoors afternoon to a drawing he was doing with varicolored crayons. His mother finally looked over his shoulder, and, puzzled, asked:
- Who's that you're drawing, son?
The son answered:
- God.
- Don't be silly - reproved the mother.
- Nobody knows what God looks like.
Not even pausing in his task, the son announced calmly:
- They will when I'm finished!
This man goes into the doctor with his ringhole in a terrible state, really bad now.
- Doctor: What happened to you?
- I was in Africa on safari and I got raped by an elephant!
- But I don't understand. Elephant penises are very narrow and couldn't cause that much damage!
- Aah but you see doctor, he fingered me first!
