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Thoughts and stories from on the job

My boss came in one morning and caught me hugging my secretary. He said in a rage:

- Is this what you get paid for ?

I told him:

- Nope ! I do this for free.

This same boss was into all this dumb inspirational and motivation stuff too. I remember once he posted a sign which read "Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday." I couldn't resist and added a note:

- And now you know why too

Once I came upon this pretty new temp standing in front of the paper shredder with a confused look on her face. I asked if she needed any help and she said:

- Yeah, how does this thing work ?

I took the papers from her hand and demonstrated how to work the shredder. She stood there a moment with yet another confused expression, so I said:

- Any questions ?

She said:

- Yeah, exactly where do the copies come out from ?

People always say that hard work never killed anybody. Oh yeah ??? When's the last time ya ever heard of anyone who "rested to death".

Being punctual in our Office was of no benefit what-so-ever. There was never anybody around to appreciate it.

Our Office was always on the cutting edge of technology. Not only did we have computers which spoke as well as listened; Hell, some of them even got ulcers.

Did ya ever notice the people who complain the most about not having enough time to do all their work are the same ones who always stop & tell everyone that they don't have enuff time to do all their work.

Three men die and go to heaven and queue to meet St. Peter.

- St. Peter: Hi, what's your name?

- Paul: My name is Paul.

- St. Peter: Hi, Paul. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?

- Paul: 120K.

- St. Peter: Wow! Tell me, Paul, what were you doing to earn that kind of money?

- Paul: I was a lawyer.

- St. Peter: That's great. Come on in.

St. Peter then turned to the second man.

- St. Peter: Hi, what's your name?

- Roger: My name is Roger.

- St. Peter: Hi, Roger. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?

- Roger: 60K.

- St. Peter: Hey, that's great! Tell me, Roger, what did you do for a living?

- Roger: I was an accountant.

- St. Peter: That's very good. Come on in.

St. Peter then turned to the second man.

- St. Peter: Hi, what's your name?

- John: My name is John.

- St. Peter: Hi, John. Tell me, John, how much were you earning when you died?

- John: About $23,000.

- St. Peter: Hey, that's fantastic, John! Tell me, what instrument did you play?

How do men define a 50/50 relationship?
→ We cook/they eat, we clean/they dirty, we iron/they wrinkle!

Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a Rochester hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, 'Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?' The lady said, 'My phone doesn't have an eleven.'

A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.

- I finished the exam in a half hour - she replies.

- Now I'm rechecking my answers.

A door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says:

- Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up that horseshit, I'll eat every chunk of it.

She turns to him with a smirk and says:

- You want ketchup on that?

Salesman says:

- why do you ask?

She says:

- We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
→ Professional courtesy.

A little boy walks up to his father and says, "Dad, what does a pussy look like?"

Father responds, "Well son, before or after sex?"
Son, "Well, before?"
Father, "Picture a tulip with all the petals son."
Son, "Well what about after?"
Father, "Picture a bull dog eating mayonnaise!"

The Fire brigade phones George Graham in the early hours of Sunday morning.

- Mr Graham sir, White Hart Lane is on fire!

- The cups man! Save the cups!

- Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir.

What would Elvis be doing if he were alive today?
→ Scratching like hell to get out of that box.