Most viewed jokes

USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Letters are still pouring in asking:

- What trip?

The Pentagon decided one day that there were to many Generals, so they decided to offer early retirement to three of them. They called Congress and asked them to vote on a method of determining each General's early retirement bonus. After voting Congress decided that each man would choose two points of their body to measure between and then each man would be paid $10,000 per inch.

They called in the first General. He decide to have them measure from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet. Upon measuring it to 6 feet, they paid him $720,000.

The next General, thinking a little bit more, stretched his arms above his head, and asked them to measure from the tips of his fingers, to the bottom of his feet. After measuring 8 feet, they paid him $960,000.

The next General, with a smug look on his face, asked them to measure from the tip of his penis to the bottom of his balls. Congress decided to call in a medical officer.

The medical officer asked the General to drop his pants. The medical officer lifted the General's penis to make the measurement, but instead he exclaimed:

- Good God man, where are your balls!!

With a smile the General said:

- I left them in Vietnam.

What happens when a lawyer takes viagra?
→ He gets taller!!

Ski season is almost here! Hence, the following list of Exercises to get you prepared:

16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
17. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
18. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.
19. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
20. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.
21. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.
22. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
23. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
24. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
25. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
26. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
27. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.
28. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.
29. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
30. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.
31. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing!

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:

- I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog.

- But how do you know when you are going to land? - he was asked.

- I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground - he answered.

- But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground? - he was again asked. He quickly answered:

- Oh, the dog's leash goes slack.

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said:

- lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!

- Don't worry, Bubba - Earl said.

- We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.

- What fer? - asked Bubba.

- Just let me do the talkin', OK? - said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said:

- You boys been drinkin'?

- No, sir - said Earl.

- We're on the patch!

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said:

- When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer.

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section:

- And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.

What does your profession say about you?

1. MARKETING - You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
2. SALES - Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
3. TECHNOLOGY - Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.
4. ENGINEERING - One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."
5. ACCOUNTING - The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.
6. HUMAN RESOURCES - Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.
7. MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT - Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in you social circle is a "Middle Manager."
8. SENIOR MANAGEMENT - (See above - Same sign, different title)
9. CUSTOMER SERVICE - Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.
10. CONSULTANT - Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.
11. RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER" - As a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.
12. PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO - You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.
13. GOVERNMENT WORKER - Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job... Thus the term "GO POSTAL"

What's grey, has four legs and jumps up and down?
→ An elephant on a trampoline!

What's grey and wrinkly and jumps every twenty seconds?
→ An elephant with hiccups!

What's grey and goes round and round?
→ An elephant in a washing machine!

What's grey and highly dangerous?
→ An elephant with a machine gun!

What's big and grey and lives in a lake in Scotland?
→ The Loch Ness Elephant!

What's big and grey and has 16 wheels?
→ An elephant on roller skates!

What goes up slowly and comes down quickly?
→ An elephant in a lift!

What's as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?
→ An elephant's shadow!

This is supposedly a true story, it happened in a small town of the province of Quebec, Canada, in October 1996. They showed the video surveillance tape on the news, and even the anchorman was laughing through it.

A robber came into a convenience store wearing a ski mask and a gun wanting to empty the cash register. He took the clerk to the backstore and locked her up in the fridge. Unfortunately, when he came back to the front of the store, a customer had come in. So he took off the ski mask and the gloves, and pretended to be filling in for the clerk. The customer wanted a lottery ticket, so he tried to help her out, by pressing a whole bunch of buttons on the machine (thus leaving fingerprints everywhere), but the machine was not cooperating. Meanwhile, another customer walks in. Finally, he tells the first customer (after about 5 minutes of close-up shots from the camera) that the machine is not working and that he won't be able to help her. The robber makes the sale to the second customer and he leaves as well. The robber then puts back on his gloves to take the money (after touching just about everything in sight without gloves), and hides his face with the palm of his hands as he is leaving. This scene lasted well over 10 minutes, during which, you see and hear the robber as well as in a movie.

The day after excerpts of the tape were aired, the phones at the police station were ringing off the hook. Apparently, even though no reward had been offered, people thought he was too stupid to deserve anything else! He had to turn himself in that same day.