When Bernard got fired from his last job they were really tough. They made him hand back his keys to the executive toilets, return his company credit card, give back his company car, and even give back his ulcer!
This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"
- Well, give me the bad news first.
- You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.
- OH NO! That's awful! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???
- You also have Alzheimer's... In three months you'll forget everything I told you.
- We need to get these people to a hospital!
- What is it?
- It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now.
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
→ Cut the rope.
You know you're a redneck when you lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels.
What did you learn in school today?
→ Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow!
How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Fifty. One to do it and the others to stand around and say, "I could do that better."
Which painter always had a very bad cold?
→ Vincent Van Cough
What do you call a nun with a washing machine on her head?
→ Sister Matic!
What do men and sperm have in common?
→ They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
