Most viewed jokes

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet?
→ A Dinosaucer

- Patient: Do you extract teeth painlessly?

- Dentist: Not always, the other day I nearly dislocated my wrist

What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
→ A Yamahahaha

Why did the car judder to a stop when it saw a ghost?
→ It had a nervous breakdown.

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said:

- Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

- I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

- The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

- And that's how you built an empire? - the boy asked.

- Heavens, no! - the man replied.

- Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars.

A woman has just started to play golf when she gets stung on the arm by a bee. She rushes back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor. She asks:

- Is anyone here a doctor.

One guy, who was pretty drunk, stands up and says:

- I'm a doctor, what can I help you with?

- I've been stung by a bee.

- Oh really, where?

- Between the first and second hole

- Well, first of all, your stance is too wide...

- Doctor, is there anything worse than being old and bent?

- Yes there is - being young and broke.

- My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor.

- Oh, really?

- Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!

A funny story I know comes from someone's father-in-law who is a pharmacist. One of his customers complained that the capsules she'd been given weren't working. "Oh," he said, "You've been taking them the wrong way. You have to take them so that the green half goes in first." He said that she stopped by a week later to let him know that her medication was now working fine!