Most viewed jokes

What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket cart?
→ The supermarket cart has a mind of its own.

Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring.

- Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony.

- Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I do - said Irving.

- Sounds great - Morris replied.

- but how do you make it last for an hour?

- That's easy...just keep her in the waiting room for 59 minutes!

There's this mushroom who walks into a bar one night. All he wants is one beer. So he goes up to the bar, hops up on the stool and asks the bartender for a beer.

- Bartender: Sorry mister, can't give it to ya.

- Mushroom: C'mon, just one beer..please?

- Bartender: Nope, can't do it.

The mushroom looks around and says again:

- C'mon, just..just one beer and then I'll leave you alone.

- Bartender: Look, for the last time... I'm not serving you the damn beer!

Finally the mushroom says to the bartender:

- Hey, c'mon man...

- I'm a Fun-gi!

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb? None. Let the wife cook in the dark.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife:

- Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!

- Shall I pack for warm weather or cold? - Martha replies.

- I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon! - the man responds.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.

Why do men like air-headed women? Opposites attract.

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

Most accidents happen at home. And the men have to eat them!

How do you blind a woman? Put a windshield in front of her face.

How many men does it take to mop a floor? None. It's a woman's job.

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Don't be sexist. Broads hate that!

Why can't Helen Keller drive? She's a woman!

How many women does it take to paint a wall? It depends on how hard you throw them.

Why did the woman cross the road? Who cares! What was she doing out of the kitchen or the bedroom ???

What do you do if your dishwasher stops working? Marry a new one !!

How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't...there's a clock on the oven!

- Mother: How do you like your new teacher?

- Son: I don't. She told me to sit up the front for the present and then she didn't give me one!

- If I had five coconuts and I gave you three, how many would I have left?

- I don't know.

- Why not?

- In our school we do all our arithmetic in apples and oranges.

Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?
→ Because from a distance they looked like hares!

A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party:

- What do you do if you make a mistake on a case? - the minister asked.

- Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant - replied the lawyer.

- What do you do? - lawyer asked.

- Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go - minister replied.

What is the definition of a Soviet String Quartet?
→ A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a tour of the USA!

What does Frankenstein's monster call a screwdriver?
→ Daddy.